Saturday, March 5, 2011



Meanwhile, On Planet Earth…

ClonoCon, Earth’s leading Research Center has lost its credibility when its biggest cloning project, PattzClone, “malfunctioned.” 

“That’s debatable,” Dr. Bulsh Ette, the lead Scientist of the PattzClone project insisted when asked about the defected clone.  “I think he’s perfect!”  Added the renowned scientist.

Madam Dellu Shawnull, the 40-year old multi-billionaire; heiress of Shawnull Shipping Industries and Global Technologies, had invested over five billion dollars in this project in the hope that she would get to bring the clone home after it’s done.  However, despite the perfect image of the clone, her excitement died when the clone started to talk.  “The clone was a total failure,” she insisted. 

In Clonocon’s defense, the clone was perfect.  The reputable research center had shown photos of the clone and had invited a chosen few journalists to interview the clone.  These journalists agreed unanimously that the clone was, in fact, “A PERFECTION!”

For those who are not familiar with this project, Madam Dellu Shawnull sought ClonoCon to clone Robert Pattinson, the famous actor of Twilight; who is very much in a relationship with his co-star, Kristen Stewart.

The gossip mill speculated that madam Dellu Shawnull had fallen madly in love with the Twilight actor.  She had made advances to Pattinson at the after party of  the premiere of "Remember Me," in New York City in April of 2010.  Her advances, however, were shut off because Pattinson blatantly told her that “he is not interested and he is very much committed to his Kristen.”

The rejection was too much for Madam Dellu Shawnull to handle that she started to pull Pattinson’s hair; and screamed at him like a crazy bitch! (Yes, this newspaper can say “bitch!”).  When Madam Dellu Shawnull was escorted out of the hotel, she realized that a few strands of Pattinson’s famous bronze hair got caught between her fingers.  She, then, brought these “golden” strands of Pattinson’s hair to ClonoCon to do whatever they can to clone Pattinson with just his hair as "raw materials."  She further promised the company additional one billion dollars once the project is completed.   

During an interview with Madam Dellu Shawnull she said that although the image was a total success, the “inside” was a total baloney.  This is what she had to say:

Int:  for Interviewer
MDS: for Madam Dellu Shawnull

Int:  “So, how did you know or what was the first indication that made you realize Pattinson’s clone was flawed?”

MDS:  “The fucking  Pattinson clone said, “Into the Wild,” and I got so excited because I thought he wants me either wild or go into the wild.”

Int:  “What did he mean?”

MDS:  “Then he said, “I first fell in love with Kristen Stewart when I saw her on Into The Wild!”

Int:  “Awww!”

MDS:  “Shut up!”

Int:  “I’m sorry, Madam.  But isn’t that how it all began?”

MDS:  “With the bitch, yeah!  But not with me!  He’s supposed to woo me… To romance me!  I bought him for crying out loud!”

Int:  “But he’s a clone, after all?”

MDS:  “A fucking replica!  He fucking went berserk when he saw a magazine cover of him and Kristen!”

Int:  “But why?”

MDS:  “The Clone got jealous!  He got jealous of himself!  I mean, with the original Pattinson!  He could not take it!  He was so jealous… He was in tears that he had to be sedated!”

Int:  “So even the clone was totally in love with Stewart?”

MDS:  “Fucking, yeah!!!  Ugh!!!  He’d demanded Loquat Pie for dessert!  He demanded not to wash his clothes because Kristen wears them after he does.  He’s looking for his ring that’s supposed to symbolize the love that he and Stewart share!!!”  (*MDS started screaming vulgar language at this point*) “He’s a fucking idiot!  He was even looking for a cat named Jella!!!”

Int:  “So, what are your plans now?  Are you taking home the Clone?”

MDS:  “Hell, no!  He wouldn’t even move!  He wants to go to his girl.  He demanded to be with Stewart.”

Int:  “And of course that’s not possible because Stewart is with the real Pattinson.  This will disrupt their lives.  What are you going to do now?”

MDS:  “Well, because I started this mess.  I’ve decided to fund Project:  StewClone.”

Int:  “StewClone?”

MDS:  “Yes!  I’ve just signed a contract with ClonoCon; allowing them access to my billions so that they can complete the StewClone immediately!  That they have to drop whatever project they’re doing and give priority with StewClone.”

Int:  “When you say StewClone?”

MDS:  “I meant, cloning Kristen Stewart!”

Int:  “Clever idea!”

MDS:  “I’ve been stupid.  I know that now.  It had cost me millions of dollars to realize that you can’t disrupt true love!  You can’t buy happiness.  You can’t own what or who you don’t have!”

Int:  “So, even as a clone, Pattinson is in love with Stewart!”

MDS:  “What can I say?  Haters to the left?”

Int:  “That a good way to start!”

MDS:  “Fuck you!”

Int:  “No you can’t!  Even with your millions!”

We tried to interview Pattinson’s Clone but he was busy strumming his guitar, composing a song which he called, “Kristen, You Are My Life!” with lyrics like, "Why are you with the other me?  Why is me not me?  I want you, I need you... Kristen, You are My Life!"  (*Which he sang with so much emotions!  He was really distraught*)

Last we heard, ClonoCon has completed cloning Stewart and is now in the process of cloning TomStu! 

That’s how it is on Planet Earth.

Meanwhile, on Jupiter…

This is fiction.
No copyright infringement intended.
Photos belong to their rightful owner/owners.


  1. no one can disrupt true love..awwww loveeeee this line..thank God you updated again..ate ofie i hope one day you'll make a compilation of all you've written here and publish them in a book? hope you will someday:)

  2. Wow, so right. "You can’t buy happiness. You can’t own what or who you don’t have!” R&K own each other. What a lovely piece~~

  3. this is SO clever and sweet! ate_ofie, you are a genius. thank you for giving us this...

  4. Yeah, I agree with Sollee, I would buy that book too! So brilliant of you to create MDS as a metaphor for the haters. Except, they don't have billions to clone Rob, so I shudder to think what they might be doing to that Edward doll from Walmart.