(that’s right! This is a seasoned, delicious FICTION).
No copyright infringement intended.
As the Twilight franchise comes to its final chapter, Tikkle Meder, a renowned Publishing House in New York, publisher of books such as: “The Delicious Taste of In & Out (Of Her)” and “How To Sip & Suck a Live Straw” and the all time bestseller, “Twister” similar to Kama Sutra, is confirming a book deal with an unknown member of Twilight “entourage” who had spent immeasurable hours with the two famous stars of Twilight, Pattinson and Stewart.
The book deal, Tikkle Meder spokesperson shared, includes the unknown person’s accounts with Pattinson and Stewart; from the time of their audition up until the final day of filming Breaking Dawn. The book’s working title is, “The Bitch Stole My Man,” with subtitle: “And We Used To Be Friends”.
This news baffled Summit and the cast & crew of Breaking Dawn. We attempted to interview Stewart and Pattinson on location to get their comments about this matter but their trailer was (deadbolt) locked. The windows were fogged up and the trailer was shaking. In fear that the two stars were in trouble, the camera man sought help from the security officer. Mr. Dean assured us that Pattinson and Stewart are safe and well. It’s only that Steart loves to cook during breaks (hence, the fog/steam) while Pattinson works on his stunts (hence the shaking). Such devoted actors these Twilight stars are.
While interviewing other cast members, a Tikkel Meder insider emailed us excerpts from the “book.” So, fasten your seatbelts, people, and get ready to be blown away.
“Show me your Mallory moves, baby,” I heard Pattinson moaned. I pressed my ears closer against the wall so I could hear better. Lucky for me, there was a little gap between the paneling (not a hole, and no, I did not make that hole) and I was able to get a glimpse of the action the other side of the wall.
Pattinson flipped Stewart over and ravished her with his mouth and hands. He was making crazy sounds the whole time. He was really hungry for her. And every time Stewart touched him back, kissed him back the same intensity as his, their mating escalated to maximum.
“I want to be on top, baby,” Stewart whispered. Pattinson stopped, stared at Stewart like she just offered him her life and soul (maybe she did). “I want you under. I want you to see how perfectly we fit.” Stewart repeated. The sound that Pattinson made after that was so primal; it only encouraged Stewart to do more; which she did.
Watching them love each other that way was an eye opener to me. Stewart gave her whole self to him which probably why he’s devoted to her.
About three things I was absolutely positive: First, Pattinson was vampire-hungry for Stewart. Second, there was a part of him – and I don’t know how dominant that part might be – that thirsted for her “lips down there.” And third, they were unconditionally and irrevocably in love with each other.
I can no longer hold a grudge against Stewart. Love like theirs is almost extinct.
That was a poignant account by the unknown writer. The “incident’ was obviously private. The lovers were not aware that they were being watched and recorded. Maybe not by a videocam, but by the writer’s memory which led her to writing her book.
Stewart-Pattinson legal team assured us that the book will never be published. Legal action is underway.
Shocking new rumours concerning worldwide publication rights of RobertPattinson's sex life with KristenStewart have begun to trickle slowly down one of the cheaper plastic drainpipes here at CJ News.
Apparently, a laptop computer containing three quarters of Pattinson's latest autobiography (currently being ghosted) with a working title "My Life In Art Part 4" - has been stolen from the boot of a fabulously restored 1969 E Type Jaguar convertible.
Now, the anonymous thief is going around the internet, selling extracts from the book for thousands of dollars.
Unfortunately, amongst the extracts, is an account of a private conversation between Pattinson and his ghost writer, Miss Jean Hopcraft
"This conversation was private", moaned Miss Hopcraft last night. "It was only background material given to me in the strictest confidence by Robert and never intended for inclusion in the book", she wailed.
Predictably, copies of the offending story have somehow found their way onto the desk of CJ News Editor, 20 year old Juanita Juan.
"It's the stuff we girls don't like talking about", explained Miss Juan. "So let's have a bit of a natter about it".
"In a nutshell, Mr Pattinson seems to be advising Miss Stewart that he's sick and tired with 'being a missionary'.
"He goes on to suggest alternative arrangements. These 'arrangements' include strategic details of what he likes doing with his hands and tongue to Miss Stewart's (redacted)".
"Furthermore he goes into colourful detail about, how shall I put it, angles of delivery.
"Of course the languageRobert uses is somewhat more descriptive than my own. Possibly a bit more basic".
"Nevertheless, I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about".
"He's sort of saying, you get up top lass - so my hands can wander wherever they want, leaving you to do your own thing".
"Maybe Kristen's still a beginner."
"However I can tell you privately that she didn't understand a word he was talking about"
Rob: "Now promise me something, Kristen. Do not bite the apple no matter how hungry you get, okay?"
Kristen: "Honey, we all know how the story went.”
Rob: “Yeah. But now we know we can prevent it!”
Kristen: “Prevent what, Sweetie?”
Rob: “Prevent the Prince from kissing you!!!”
(Copyrighted photo belong to their rightful owner/s.
No copyright infringement intended. Thanks.
I wish I could replace the character's faces with
Kristen's, Rob's, and the Brit Pack's *sigh*)
Kristen: “Hmm… That looks easy.” *Turns to Rob* “Babe, can you go to the grocery store and get me the ingredients for the dish I’m gonna be preparing for dinner.”
Rob: “Make a list. I’ll call Dean.”
Kristen: “Thanks, babe. I can add this recipe to my collection.”
Rob:*Stops what he was doing.* “Babe, will you be cooking for the cast and crew of Snow White and the Huntsman?”
Kristen:*Laughs* “Snow White cooked and cleaned for the Seven Dwarfs when she lived with them, remember?”
Rob: “Why? I mean… Can’t they alter the story, at least? I mean, why would I allow my woman live with seven men, cook for them…”
Kristen: “Really, Rob?”
Rob:*Continues to mumble* “Then, these guys will leave you unprotected when they all know the Evil Queen wants you dead!” *Shakes head* “I’d better tell Dean to audition for the movie for the role of Grumpy!”
Kristen: “Aww, baby…”
Rob: “Hmm… While I’m at it, I’d better call Tom.”
Rob: “I’ll ask him to call the pack.”
Kristen: “Whatever for?”
Rob: “Wait, babe…” *Concentrates on his phone conversation* “Hey, Tom, I have a possible job for you… Yeah… You need to audition though… What movie you ask? It’s for the Snow White and the Huntsman… No, not the role of the Prince, dumbo! Dopey! Yeah! One of the Dwarfs. And while you do that why don’t you bring the pack along with you. Call Marcus to audition for Doc. Bobby for Bashful.Sam for Sneezy. And call Eddie Redmayne… No, not for the prince role. God!!!” *Sighs* “As Happy!” *Stops to think* “Oh, that’s right… Damn it! Oh, Oh!!! I have the best one for that role…. Yeah, for the role of Sleepy!!!” *Grins in satisfaction, proud of himself* “JELLA! Oh, he’ll nail it!” *Giddy* “So, go audition altogether, okay. Who? Grumpy? I got that covered. I’m sending Dean to audition. Okay, buddy. Thanks.”
Rob:*Smug* “I’m pretty sure Cosmopolis will finish first before Snow White, babe. I’ll audition for the PRINCE!”
Kristen: *Shakes head* “Snow White and Brit Pack!”
Over a year later….
Snow White and The Huntsman
Kristen Stewart as Snow White
With the Special Participation of Robert Pattinson as the Prince
Dean as Grumpy
Tom as Dopey
Marcus as Doc
Bobby as Bashful
Sam as Sneezy
Eddie as Happy
Jella Stewart Pattinson as Sleepy
Tweeted Saturday afternoon on 1/29/2011
R: "Babe, are you sure the dwarfs kill the prince in this movie?"
K: "I think so!"
R: "Okay. Go ahead and accept the role!"
K: "Rob, these are the dwarfs who saved Snow White from the Evil Witch!"
R: "I know. But there are 7 of them! No way!"
Rob toKristen: "Fine! You can take the Snow White role as long as I get to be the Prince who kisses you in the end!"
R: "If that Mirror On The Wall winks at you, that's it! You're declining the Snow White role! Understood?"
K:*smiles* "Ok, babe!"
R: "If that Magic Mirror On The Wall refuses to say you're d fairest of them all, babe! I'll freakin' break it to pieces!"
R: "Wait. The huntsman will take u to the forest?"
R: "That's a deal breaker there!"
R: "So you'll die in this movie?"
K: "Only until the prince comes & kisses me."
R: "Wrong answer, Kristen!"
R: "You know, Edward Cullen is the best candidate for d prince role for Snow White?"
Mallory: "And you think you're better than me because you're a virgin?"
Bella: "I didn't say I'm better than you. I'm just saying that you shouldn't sell yourself for money."
Mallory: "Honey, believe me... I am so much better than you. You're just afraid your Edward will fall for me when he sees me."
Bella: "You whore! He won't even breathe the same air you breathe!"
Mallory: "Oh, yeah! Believe me... One night with me and he won't even remember your name!"
Bella: "That's where you're wrong. Edward loves only me. Vampires mate forever. So dream on, you skank!"
Mallory: "And I thought you're a good person...You're just scared shit, you two-timing bitch!"
Snow White: "And you're fighting because of Edward?"
Mallory: "And who the fuck are you?"
Snow White: "Well, I'm the fairest of them all!"
Mallory: "Psycho bitch!"
Bella: "Edward finds me the fairest in the land!"
Snow White: "Oh yeah? You're so naive, Bella. Your Edward cannot resist me!
Mallory: "He'll want me, I know for sure. Bella, go back to your dogie friend, Jacob! He'll want you back!"
Snow White: *Screams*
Mallory: *Pushes Bella and Snow White*
Kristen: "Will you, three, stop!!! God!!! First of all, I am the ONE!!! Mallory, you're no better than me. What you can do, I can do better. Secondly, Bella... Edward only wants you because he sees me in you. He wants me. Edward, Tyler, Jacob Jankowski, Giselher, Cedric Diggory, Toby Jugg, Daniel Gale, Salvador Dalí, Georges Duroy... All of them want me. So get over yourselves. And Snow White... Well... You're new in the house... But yea... You're definitely NOT the fairest of "them" all!!! And the three of you put together is just a part of me! I'm the real deal here... So get over it!"
Mallory, Bella, and Snow White: *Sniff*
Mallory: "And Rob?"
Kristen: "Oh, now you're asking for it! Say Edward, or Cedric or any name but Rob's... He's off limits! READ MY LIPS: ROB BELONGS ONLY TO ME.
Bella: "But how come I saw you one time you wore Mallory's work clothes while you and Rob did... um..."
Kristen: "Bella, you better be prepared to get bitch-slapped if you say stuff like that... But I will forgive you..."
Snow White: *Smirks*"I bet Rob will never be happy about the seven dwarfs you'll be sharing a room with!"
Kristen: "Snow White.. shut the eff up! You're not even official yet and you're already annoying me..."
Snow White: "Oh, Sorry....Sorry..."
Kristen: "All of you... Go back to where you came from!"
All copyrighted photos belong to their rightful owner/s.
This is fiction.
Bill:“And Kristen agrees?”
Rob:“Uh, YEAH!!! Most definitely!”
Bill:“I don’t get it!”
Rob:“What don’t you get, Bill?”
Bill:*Scratches head*“All of it! I want to know...Why?”
Rob:“Well, Kristen and I thought that our life together as a couple entwined with Edward & Bella’s; so it’s just right to authenticate the union by…”
Bill:“And your family and friends will be in attendance?”
Rob:“Naturally!Kristen’s, too, of course!”
Bill:“…And you’re not just being stingy?”
Rob:“Of course not, Bill!I’m offended. I'll spend my last dime if that's what's going to make my Kristen happy!”
Bill:“I’m just kidding, Rob.What do you want me to think?”*Sighs*“First, you want to add a scene in the movie where Edward gets a marriage license to marry Bella… But you’re requesting to register yours and Kristen’s real name instead of the two characters'…” *Shakes head*“Then, you went to ask Wyck Godfrey… and now me… if we could use a real, ordained priest to officiate Edward and Bella’s wedding…”*Furrows brows*“But on the first take… you and Kristen want to use your real name… and I should not be allowed to say, “CUT” until the priest proclaims you and Kristen husband and wife…”
Rob:*Jumps*“You got it!See, it’s not that hard!Yeah.It’s that simple.”
Bill:*Dumbfounded*“So… In reality, it is your real wedding.”
Rob:“That's is correct. Yes.”
Bill:“And what will I tell the casts.”
Rob:“Um… That’s the other thing I want to discuss with you, Bill…”
Bill:“Oh, God… but go on… I’m listening…”
Rob:“We tell them call time is 6pm instead of 5pm… So that Kristen and I can get married first… and Tom can be my best man… But you’re invited of course…”
Bill:“Of course!” *Coughs*
Rob:“So…”*Looks at Bill expectantly*“What do you think?”
Bill:“Why not just get married after the shooting, Rob.”
Rob:*Looks at Bills intently*“You mean kinda-church-wedding?”
Rob:*Heaves a long sigh*“Well, this way, the media won’t know it’s our real wedding.They’ll think we’re just shooting the wedding scenes in Breaking Dawn… They won't bother us. Then we’ll achieve a solemn and intimate wedding ceremony. Bella and Edward mean so much to us! In a way, Edward and Bella united us. If not for them, we won't be where we are now! They're like our guardian angels... I mean... well, you know what I mean...”
Bill:“I can’t believe Kristen agrees to this.”
Rob:*Wide eyes*“She did the first time!We’re in the same page.Always.”
Bill:*Stunned*“Rob... Um...When you said the first time…”
Rob:*Stares at Bill*“I, uh…”*Clears throat*“So… Yeah… What do you think?Can we do that?”
Bill:“You really are serious?”
Rob:“One hundred and one percent!”
Bill:“If you’re going to tell me next about the wedding reception, Rob.. I’ll…”
Rob:“How did you know that was the next in my request list!”
Bill:“Thank, God, we’re done shooting the honeymoon…”
Rob:*Smiles*“We did have a great honeymoon, Bill!It was awesome!Thank you, by the way!How you staged the feather thingee was just perfect!”
Bill:*Just couldn’t find the words*
***Thank you for visiting RobStenForLife blog***
***I'm kinda tired so it's kinda "off."
But I will re-write this when bette ideas visit me
I know I promised that I’ll keep the blog light and funny…
Please forgive me because this one is not quite funny…
Well, maybe for some it is! LOL…
Forgive me? Pretty, please, with Robsten love on top?
Thanks again to my good friend, Anna, or @patronuska for her great work.
Disclaimer: Photos belong to their respective owners. No copyright infringement intended
The Switch is Turned On Twenty-Four-Seven
In my corner, I watch…
Love. I don’t have any other word to describe what it is that makes them so captivating.
Is it really that possible to find something so vital you’d never want to be parted from it? This kind of emotion is elusive. It does not happen to everyone. It is as though FATE chooses certain people to give this “gift” to. Surely, they were the chosen ones and they embraced this gift tightly in their hearts; sharing it, nurturing it, and protecting it.
He smiled, whispered a few words to her that made her smile, then, strummed his guitar. Softly, he sang his song while she watched him intently. He missed a note and they both giggled. They gazed at each other as though there was nothing or no one else around them.
“Your other version was better,” she told him.
“Hmm…” he considered for a moment before going back to his guitar. “Like that?” He asked after trying a few lines.
She nodded and leaned her head on his shoulder. That simple gesture of hers meant the world to him. So he placed his guitar against the back of the chair, bowed his head so he could look directly into her eyes. He pushed a lump of her hair behind her ear and may have said something funny because she buried her face in her hands as she laughed.
When they finished the bottle of water that they shared, they lit a cigarette and carried on with their conversation. There were moments when they talked rather seriously; but the smile, the laughter, the lingering touches and gazes, I noticed, were regular occurrences.
The other day they arrived at work with basket of goodies she baked -- to the delight of their co-workers, especially the men. I gotta tell you, that girl could bake! She made these chocolate cupcakes with melted chocolate filling. It’s to die for!
“You’re not eating?” One of the co-workers asked him.
“Oh, no!” She interrupted. “He’d had half a dozen already!”
He glared at her playfully.
“This is good!” The co-worker exclaimed.
“I know!” He said with obvious pride in his face. He pulled her beside him and she wrapped her arms around his waist.
“Dude, you’re gonna gain weight if your woman will keep on feeding you like this!” Another male co-worker exclaimed.
“He’s gonna get fat no woman would want him! Good one!” A woman co-worker joked.
“Leave him. I’ll marry you!” Another male co-worker begged her.
“Oh, she’s taken. Go find your own!” He said sternly with a smile on his face.
I sampled the cupcake and I agree. It was that good! I’d marry her, too, if she’d have me. Tee-hee!
One time, not so long ago, I remember, he wasn’t feeling so well and he wasn’t his usual happy self. He was somewhat grumpy. He was sneezing like crazy. The usual love-dovey eyes were absent. He sulked while she worked.
I watched her in action. She was really fantastic at what she does. She was excellent but anyone could tell her attention was elsewhere. There was a frown on her face every time she looks at him, obviously worried. She rushed to him after finishing her "task." She stood before him, felt his forehead and neck, and like a little baby, he wound his hands around her waist and buried his face on her chest. She repeatedly ran her fingers through his hair before dropping a kiss on top of his head. She made him take his medicine. He was told to go back to their place so he could rest but he didn’t leave without her. So, when she was done, they left together arm in arm! Result: She, too, got sick a day or two later! I guess that’s true love there! Yee-hah!
So in my little corner, I’ll continue to watch (not stalk… there’s a big difference, lol) and be inspired… Such love makes me want to love even more.
Just in case I did not reiterate this enough...
THIS IS TOTALLY FICTION...
***** To Be Continued *****
I would just like to post these photos of Rob and Kristen because, really, this blog is dedicated to them… It wouldn’t be right if I don’t post something of them, right? *wink*
Bill: “CUT!” *Walks towards MyAnna* “MyAnna, you don’t just stand there when you say your lines! You have to move closer to Rob, pull him into your arms, then hold him tight.”
Kristen: “That’s not what the script said! It just said, “HOLD!” It didn’t say “Pulls Edward into her arms.” Can’t she just hold his hand, Bill?”
Bill: “It’s on page 54 of the book, Kristen…”
Rob:*Smiling from ear to ear* “You okay with that, baby?”
Kristen: “Why shouldn’t I be?” *Narrows eyes* “Let’s go again!”
Bill: “Okay… Position!” *Counts* “ACTION!!!”
MyAnna:*Grabs Rob in her arms* “Ah, Edward. I’ve missed you!” *Suddenly pushes Rob from her*
Bill:*Shakes head* “CUT!!! What was that? Why did you push Rob?”
MyAnna:*Bows head* “Um… I’m sorry. It’s just that…”
Kristen:*Smiles* “What? Don’t worry about anything, MyAnna. It’s okay. It’s only a very short embrace. I’m cool with that. We’re all professionals here.”
MyAnna: “Okay… Okay… I’m sorry!”
Kristen:*Whispers to Rob* “You touch her where you’re not supposed to and you’re...” *Smiles sweetly* “... Well, baby... I don't have to spell that out for you, do I?"
Shooting moves on…
Rob:*Chuckling* “It’s been too long, Tanya. You look well.”
MyAnna: “So do you.”
Rob: “Oh, did I mess up my lines?”
Bill: “No, Rob. It’s not you.” *Turns to Kristen* “You were mumbling, Kristen. Are you okay? Do you need a short break?”
Kristen:*Furrows brows* “No, I was not! And No, I don’t need a break. Let’s get this thing over with!”
Bill:*Breathes* “Okay… ACTION!”
Rob: “Let me introduce you to my wife.” *Pulls Kristen to his side* “Tanya, this is Kristen.”
Kristen:*Mutters to self* “Damn right I am!”
Bill:*Yells* “Cut! Cut! Cut!”
Bill: “Rob… you said Kristen’s name instead of Bella’s!”
Rob:*Smiles* “Oh… What's the difference?” *Coughs* "I mean... you know..." *Smiles even wider!* Kristen: "I didn't notice Rob called me Kristen. No big deal,right? Edward, Rob... Kristen, Bella... Edward, Bella... Rob, Kristen..." Rob: "Engaged... Married... So on... and so forth..."
Bill:*Sighs* “We really need a break. Five-minutes!”
Rob: “Can we make it ten? I want a few moments with my wife!”
Bill:*Rolls eyes* “Jiminy Cricket! Fine!”
Rob:*Grabs Kristen’s hand*
Bill:*Watches Rob and Kristen walk away… Turns to MyAnna* “Are you okay? What’s the matter? You look rather… scared?”
MyAnna:*Takes deep breaths* “Kristen… She’s really intense…”
Bill: “That makes her so amazing!”
MyAnna: “Is she a jealous girlfriend?”
Bill: “Who? Kristen? Not at all! Why?”
MyAnna:*Looks away* “Oh… Ah… It’s… It’s just that…She looks at me as though she wants to beat me up!”
Bill: “Nah! She’s just interpreting Bella’s feelings… internalizing… She’s a really, really good actress! She’s just playing Bella, MyAnna.” *Prays MyAnna believes him*
MyAnna:*Looks questioningly at Bill* “Really?”
Bill:*Looks away and laughs nervously* “Oh, absolutely!”
Crew:*Sing-songs softly* “Lier…Lier... Pants on fire…”
Disclaimer: Photos belong to their respective owners. Nocopyright infringement intended