Monday, June 27, 2011

"The Truth about David & Goliath... According to R/K..."

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belong to their rightful owner/s.
No copyright infringement intended.
This is fiction.  Yeah.

Rob:  “Um, Babe, what’s wrong with Robby?”

Kristen:  “I don’t know.  He’s been quiet since breakfast.”

Rob:  “Talk to him.  He’s scowling at me.”

Kristen:  “What do you mean?”

Rob:  “He’s wearing his bitchface… The one he got from you.”

Kristen:  “Shut up!” *Laughs*

Rob*Whispers*  “Here he comes.”  *Clears throat*  “What’s going on, son.”

Rob, Jr.:  *Ignores Rob*

Rob:  “Grandma & Grandpa are coming for dinner tonight… And Uncle Tom is coming, too!”

Rob, Jr.:  *Nods*  “Okay.”  *Leaves*

Rob: “Did you see that?”

Kristen:  “Let him be.  He’s five.”

Rob:  “Well, I guess…”

Dinner Time with Grandpa & Grandma Stew and Uncle Tom

Grandma Jules:  “Robby, sweetie, are you okay?”

Rob, Jr.:  “I’m fine, grandma.  Why don’t you ask Mommy and Daddy?”  *Looks away*

Grandma Jules:  *Threw Kristen a meaningful look*  “Well, how’s everything doing?”

Rob & Kristen:  “Great!”

Rob, Jr.: “Liar…liar… pants on fire!”

Grandpa John:    “Robby, why don’t you tell us what’s going on.”

Tom:  “Ah-oh.  Trouble in paradise?”  *Sniggers*

Rob, Jr.:  *Glares at Kristen & Rob*  “If you should know, Mommy & Daddy are fighting!”

Grandma Jules:  “Kristen?  Rob?”

Rob:  “No, we’re not!”

Grandma Jules:  *Eyeing Kristen suspiciously*

Kristen:  “We’re really not!”  *Turns to Rob, Jr.*   “Honey, what are you talking about?”

Rob, Jr.:  “I heard it all!  You, two, were fighting last night.  I had a bad dream and I ran to your room but I heard you were screaming at each other!”

Grandpa John:    “Kristen? Rob? Is this true?”

Rob & Kristen:  “No!”

Rob, Jr.: “Yes, too!”

Tom:  *Smirking*  “Why don’t you tell us what you heard, buddy?”

Rob, Jr.:  “I heard daddy slapping mommy… It’s true, I heard it!”  *Close to tears*  “Then, I heard mommy yell at daddy the F-word -- the one I cannot say --”  *Chokes*  “Then, mommy was in pain because she was moaning.  And…and mommy was complaining that it was harder…”

Rob & Kristen:  “No!!!” *Trying to stop their son from taking*

Rob, Jr.:  “I want to tell the story and I am not lying, mommy!  I heard it!”

Tom:  “Go ahead buddy, continue with your story…”

Rob:  “Uh… I think Robby is tired…”

Rob, Jr.:  “No, I’m not tired…” *Sobs*  “You hurt mommy, daddy.  You even banged her against the wall… I know coz I heard it… Mommy challenged you and said, “Don’t stop! Harder!”  And you did it…”

Grandma & Grandpa Stew:  *Wide eyes*  “Oh, boy.”

Rob, Jr.:  “That’s why you can’t swim with me and my little brother this afternoon because you have scratches on your back… Come on daddy, show them, I saw it when you changed before dinner… so Grandpa, Grandma, and Uncle Tom know I’m not lying…”  *Turns to Kristen*  “And Mommy… You have bite marks on your neck and chest… And even on your thighs!  Daddy told you to cover 'em up when you were wearing that tanktop and shorts… So you changed into that!”  *Pointed at Kristen’s outfit which is Rob’s button down shirt and her skinny jeans*  “You don’t love each other anymore…” *Starts to cry*

Tom:  *Failing to contain laughter*

Grandma & Grandpa Stew:  *Dumbfounded*

Kristen:  *Stands up to gather son in her arms*  “No, honey.  Mommy and Daddy didn’t fight last night.  I love daddy very much and I will never, ever, hurt him.”

Rob, Jr.:  *Sobbing*  “Why did you scratch daddy’s back then?”

Rob:  *Sits beside wife and held son’s hand*  “Robby, I told you a million times that my love for mommy is bigger than the universe…”

Rob, Jr.:  “Yeah, right!  You bit her hard… You slapped her hard… You banged her hard on the wall…”

Tom:  “Yeah Rob… What did you do to your wife?  To Robby’s mom?  Explain please…”

Rob:  *Hisses* “Shut up, Tom”

Rob, Jr.:  *Cries Harder*  “I don’t want you to fight!!!”

Kristen:  *Embraces son tightly to her*  “Honey, Daddy and I were… Um… We weren’t fighting… We were---”

Rob:  *Interrupts*  “Loving each other!”

Tom:  “And really hard!!!”  *Guffaws*

Rob, Jr.:  “I don’t believe you… I heard it….” 

Kristen:  *Rolls eyes at Rob & Tom*  “Robby, sweetheart, you have to believe me when I say I love your daddy and daddy loves me.”

Rob, Jr.:  “And the fighting?”

Kristen: “We weren’t fighting.”

Rob, Jr.:  “Mommy that’s a lie.  You told me to always say the truth.”

Kristen:  *Coughs*  “Of course!”  *Sighs*  “Daddy was just… Um… Practicing… I was, um, helping him prepare for his role for his new movie.”

Rob, Jr.:  *Stops, then thinks*  “But daddy’s next movie is “David & Goliath” and he is playing David.  The good guy!  So how can he be mean?”

Tom:  *Now laughing hysterically*

Grandma & Grandpa Stew:  *Giggling*

Kristen:  “Of course… Because we were trying to, um, see how Goliath going to react to David!”

Rob:  *Grins proudly*  “Little David got really, really excited!”

Kristen:  *Elbows husband*  “And since your daddy forgot the script in the car… we, ah, decided to adlib…”

Rob, Jr.: *Buying the crap his mother’s telling him*  “You mean you’re just making up the words?  So David is not going to say the F-Word, huh mommy?... We’re you David last night mommy?  Were you practicing the fight scene when Goliath was trying to scare David?”

Kristen: *Sighs a sigh of relief*  “Yes!”

Rob, Jr.:  “Did you get hurt when daddy banged you against the wall?”

Kristen:  “Um, no sweetie.  I--”  *closes eyes*  “I, used lots of  pillows as my shield.”

Rob, Jr.:  *Turns to Rob*  “You didn’t really hurt mom, huh daddy?”

Rob:  “No, son.  Actually, your mom loved it!”

Kristen:  “Robert!!!”

Tom:  *Tears in his eyes as he laughs*  “David and Goliath… This is epic!”

Rob, Jr.:  *Laughs with Tom*  “Daddy, will you be practicing with mommy again tonight.”

Rob:  *Grins*  “Absolutely!!!”

Rob, Jr.:  “Can I watch, pleeeeeaaase???!!!”

Grandpa John:    “LET’S EAT!”

Grandma Jules:  “Wow, Kristen, is this a new recipe.  This is good!” *Tries to change topic*

Rob, Jr.:  “Mommy cooks really good because daddy helps her relax while she cooks, Grandma!  Daddy gives mommy a massage when he thinks me and my little brother aren’t looking.”

Grandpa John:    “Whoa! Whoa! Is that a new shirt you’re wearing, Robby?!?  Is that Superman?”

Tom:  “Best Dinner Ever!”

---The End---

This is, of course, fiction…for now…


  1. that was so funny how cute is rob,Jr i really love this one haha really cool one thanks for it :)


  2. love when u put about Rob JR mommy and daddy awwww

  3. Again, awesome job! Can't stop giggling & grinning... my cheek hurts... hehehehehehehe...

  4. Tears are rolling out of my eyes. This was hysterically funny. I have no idea where your creativity comes from, but thanks for always sharing it with us.