Friday, September 3, 2010


Dear Diary,

You know I’m a virgin, right? But you also know how desperate I am for Edward to fucking stamp my V card already. He’s the love of my life… My one true love. But, hey, let’s not be hypocrite here… Of course I want him to drill me now or as soon as possible because every time he’s within five-mile radius, my crave-a-lot hoo-haa begins to spasm… it’s not even funny.

Sure, we get it on… Kissing… Necking… Petting… Groping… But I want more! I begged and begged; but like any grand father preventing their young to lose their virtue, he said, “No, Bella! We Can’t!”

Sometimes, I want to scream at his beautiful, perfect face this: “Just fuck me already, Grandpa!” That thought -- thanks god -- decreases my appetite for sex; not totally though; about one percent or two. Me calling him “grandpa” didn’t deter him, not one bit. He laughed and said, “technically, I am old, older than your grandpa… but yes, I want to protect your soul!”

Oh my god, who fucking needs a soul if it stays as dry as the Sahara Desert?!? Anyone?

Let’s get real here. Alice and Jasper get it! Rose and Emmett get it! Angela and Ben get it! Damn! Even our neighbor’s dog gets it! But nooooo! Not Bella Marie Swan! How effing unfair is that?!

I have the hottest being in the world as my boyfriend! He’s got the face of a god; his body as sculptured as Michelangelo's David; hard abs… I can't help but groan every time I think of what lies south of that hard, sexy abs! I’m just thinking, dear diary, if he is as hard as stone and as cold as ice… Uuuuunnngggg! That manhood of his must be hard 24-fucking-7!  Fuck! I want it hard!

But yeah… All I could do is imagine and day dream… !

I once thought that the reason why he didn’t want to poke that piece of ecstasy hanging between his legs to my always-ready-girl-scout-puss is that my Edward doesn’t know how to do it! So, being the helpful girlfriend that I am, I insisted that we watch porno. And we did! Hoo-rah! Yeah, sure. Mm-hmm. It fucking got me nowhere. Provocatively (well, as provocative as I could be), I suggested we finger fuck each other. Ahhh… My beautiful man sucked my fore finger… teased it… kissed it… then slightly bit it… and when I thought there would be more, he stopped. He fucking stopped. Gave me that panty-dropping-smile, chastely kissed my lips, and vanished like he was never there.

I needed a release and that’s when I ordered my first ever rabbit (vibe) online. Bella Swan rocked it, dear diary. 

Wow!  Edward saw me used it one night and he got fucking furious!  "What?  You're cheating on me with that... that... mechanical, vibrating dick?"

"Yes." I responded .  "You wanna watch?"  I asked with a smile on my face.

Dear diary, what we didn't tell our friends and family is that, that day, Edward and I flew to Las Vegas, got married, and made love... fucked, actually... like rabbits!  No, we didn't use my rabbit.  Edward turned it into tiny grains of plastic... for recycling, that is.

I was right the whole time... Edward's banggala is heaven on earth.  My baby has moves, let me tell you.  Virgin my ass!  No more! 

So, dear diary, if you think Bella Swan is still a virgin before her big wedding day being planned and prepared by her best friend, Alice and her future mother-in-law, Esme... YOU ARE DEAD WRONG!  She's been getting it on with her secret husband, sex god, Edward Cullen!

Life is beautiful.




  1. I knew it! That Bella is no longer a virgin going down that stairs in her pristine wedding gown. She has been getting everyday serving of that sex of legs vampire hubby of hers. Haha Steph and you though you got us fooled. lmao Thanks Ofie!

  2. Love it!after all this time!They secretly married in Vegas!LOL

  3. shocking!truth revealed!the pillow biting happened in vegas!haha..
    thank you ate ofie, for making bella get what she wants :D

  4. Haha you knew Bella would get her way one way or the other