Wednesday, September 29, 2010


Dear Diary,

*Sigh* Yup, it’s me again. Jella.  I think I need to vent that’s why I’m with you right now, dear diary.  Just so you know I’m not home at the moment.  I don’t know how long I’ll be gone.  It all depends.  Well, I guess you want to know what happened, right?  Wonder no more, pen and paper!  I’m as anxious as you are.

Let's see…

That’s right..  I'll start when my Mommy came home.

...To my delight, Mommy came home a few days ago.  I was so excited and I jumped as high as I could into her arms.  She hugged me and carried me in her arms.  But she looked around the house and said in a sad voice, “Baby, I'm home.  I wish you were here.”

I know Mommy didn’t mean me.  That’s, like, obvious.  My heart, however, did go out to Mommy.  Her eyes were sad and she was in tears.  Mommy hugged me tighter and whispered, “I miss my Baby.”  Again, Mommy didn’t mean me.  Even I-- a cat -- knew that! D-U-H!  Like me, she was missing Daddy so badly.

Mommy made herself busy and she was taking a shower when her phone rang at around 5:00 pm.  I think that's about 1am where my Daddy was at that time... in London, England... visiting my Grandpa and Grandma, my Auntie Vicky and Liz, and Nana. 

Tee-Hee... London.  That's where Daddy planned to bring me next time... you know... to visit the Queen... to frighten the litle mouse under her chair...  Fine!  It's NOT funny!  That's what my Mommy told my Daddy anyway... But nevertheless... Daddy laughed at his own joke.

Anyhoo-- As soon as her phone rang, my Mommy flew; moved faster than a Bugatti Veyron.  Ha! I didn’t know Mommy could move, hop, and run that fast!  Only wrapped in a white towel, she made it before the 2nd ring!  Fascinating! 

“Baby, I’ll put you on speaker coz I’m dripping wet.  I just got out from the shower.”  I suddenly see the light in Mommy’s eyes.  She was even doing little hops; a smile tugging her lips.

I heard Daddy groan.  I’m still not sure why.  Was he not happy to talk to Mommy?  Well, whatever the reason why Daddy was groaning was making my Mommy giddy.  So I guess that's okay.  It's probably a British thing.

Daddy cleared his throat.  "“Hey, baby.  How was your flight?”  Daddy asked in a tone he uses exclusively for Mommy.  I know this because I’ve been living with them for a while now and I’m quite an observant cat, you know.

“Fucking boring,” Mommy’s always honest with Daddy.  “I miss you so much,” Mommy added, hugging herself.

Then, they were quiet.  I waited and waited.  Suddenly, I saw the tears in Mommy’s eyes.  I guess Daddy had the sniffles coz he had to blow his nose.  I heard him loud and clear.  Poor Daddy!  I bet he missed Mommy because she takes care of him when he's sniffle-y and all. 

You know, dear diary, when Daddy doesn't feel good, Mommy really, really takes care of him.  In fact, Mommy even wears that white, tight, and short nurse uniform, complete with a nurse cap.  She always… always makes Daddy feel better.

“I love you,” Daddy said, as if wanting to touch Mommy.  Which, by the way, was stupid coz you can only listen on the phone; you can’t touch the person you’re talking to.  I KNOW COZ I'VE TRIED!  My paws just wouldn’t go through the little holes in the phone receiver!!!  It was frustrating, I tell you. 

After 38 “I LOVE YOUs,” 40 “I MISS YOUs”, and almost two hours later, and another set of “I LOVE YOUs,” and “I MISS YOUs”, …Mommy and Daddy hang up.

… And Mommy finally finished her shower.

“Let’s get Daddy home, Jella!”  Mommy exclaimed pulling some clothes from her closet.  I stared at Mommy as she pulled some-- well, she pulled them from the drawer so they could be clothes-- But… the material was thinner than a tissue paper.  They're shiny and soft.  They're, like, see-throughs but in much softer texter.  They're in different colors:  There’s black, red, white, and  green.  Mommy laid each garment on the bed.  Then, she turned her laptop on.  Her fingers did some tappy-tap-tap; called Daddy… then… voila!  I COULD SEE DADDY IN THE SCREEN! 

“Hi, Jella!”  Daddy waved at me. 


“Awwwww….”  Mommy and Daddy cooed. 

It’s frustrating sometimes when I’m saying something and all that comes from my lips is a repetitive “MEOW….MEOW…MEOW!!!”

So, I just sat on the corner and continued to watch my parents as they exchanged oogly-eyes and love-sick looks, and words spoken only by two people in love.  I smiled.  It makes me happy to know that my parents truly love each other.

“Oh, baby, guess what?”  Mommy asked excitedly a few minutes later, flashing Daddy her naughty smile.

“What, Babe?”  Daddy asked encouragingly, his eyes shining.  Hmm… I wonder if that was the look that Uncle Tom referred to as pussy-whipped look

“I went shopping and I want to show you what I got.  Then, tell me what you think.  Okay?”  Mommy, picked that black piece of cloth fist.  “Give me a sec, babe.”

“I’ll be here,” Daddy said and smiled that crooked smile that always makes Mommy melt.

Two minutes later…

Even I, a cat, had to do a double take.  MOMMY LOOKED AWESOME!  I swear Daddy choked.  Mommy was wearing a thing that those lady actresses wear in the movie that Uncle Tom enjoys watching--- you know, that kind of movie where the story didn’t matter coz, as Uncle Tom said, only the humpin’ is happenin'.  I still don’t get it though.  I mean, I’ve seen Mommy and Daddy do those kinds of humping so I didn’t know what’s so special about those movies. 

If I could talk, dear diary, I’d tell Uncle Tom to just watch Mommy and Daddy do it!  It’s free!  He didn’t have to pay $12.99 per view.

Well, going back to my Mommy.... She even wore a pair of killing-me-softy high heels. 

“So? What do you think, Babe?  Do you like it?”  Mommy put her hands on her hips.

I watched Daddy’s expression on the screen; and I swear he attempted to grab mommy.  We heard a sound, you know, like when you drop something… and Daddy was out of focus for a little bit.  He had to re-position his computer. 

Mommy giggled and even did that hip-swaying dance steps she did in her upcoming movie, "Welcome To The Rileys!"

Daddy's eyes popped!  "Fuck, Baby... you're exquisite!  This is torture," Daddy choked.  “Turn around, Baby,”  Daddy said.  For some reason, his voice sounded funny.  I didn’t know whether he was choking or something.  Maybe something.

“Fuuuuuuuck!!!”  Daddy exclaimed.  “Kristen, your ass is perfection!”

That only encouraged Mommy to wiggle her behind.  She even did a catwalk!

“You liked it?”  Mommy asked as she tried to adjust the string on her hips.

Daddy was beginning to get bored, I guess, coz he couldn’t stay put in his chair.  He was suddenly agitated!  Moving here and there…like something got stuck between his legs!

“I have more!  Wait.  Okay?”  Mommy told Daddy; and he growled. 

Mommy came back with hair up, still wearing those reversed pyramids she called shoes and she was wearing that red underwear-like-outfit… Hmmm… Wasn’t she supposed to be wearing something over that?  But when I growl, my Mommy would say, "That's not nice, Jella!"  But when it's Daddy who growls, freakin' Mommy giggles!  Where's the justice in that? 
Daddy hollered!  Then, moaned.  Then, said some words children aren’t supposed to hear!  I guess he’s using some British lingo again. 

“Damn, baby.  Fuck!!!” Daddy said, reaching out for my Mommy. 

Mommy, touched the screen gently and smiled at Daddy. I thought Daddy was going to cry.  He really missed my Mommy.

“Let me show you the white one, Babe.  I really love that one.”  Mommy left Daddy with his mouth hanging.   I heard Daddy said the F –word again.

“Holy mother of fuuuuk!”  Daddy exclaimed when mommy came back. 

Mommy extended her right foot out to show her long legs.  She posed, turned, ran her hands from her tummy up to those mounds that my Daddy loves to suck.  I think the seamstress forgot to sow the back of the dress and just corrected her error by putting strings on the back.  I got to give it to her though, coz my Mommy looked fucking stunning in it.  Daddy, this time, was in tears. 

“Kristen, why are you doing this to me?”  Daddy asked.

That only made Mommy wiggle her ass some more.  Even raising her hands up as she swayed her shoulders along with her hips; Mommy's eyes never leaving Daddy's.

"Baby, I'm dying here?"  I got concerned and looked up.  Hmm... Daddy was breathing.  He looked fine.  And besides, Mommy didn't panic.  Some people say Daddy is protective of mommy but what they don't know is that Mommy, too, is very protective of Daddy. 

“So you don’t want to see the last one?”  Mommy lifted the green set for Daddy to see.

Daddy was suddenly in pain!!! He was moaning and groaning... growling... and looked like he was in so much pain.  Tummy ache, it seemed, coz I saw him start to rub his tummy… up and down… up and down… But I couldn’t be sure…

OMG!  Mommy forgot to change in the bathroom coz she just stripped right there and then… in front of her laptop for Daddy to see!!!  She even stick-out her butt coz she knew how much Daddy adores her ass! 

Slowly,  as if she was dancing to a slow music, Mommy donned the green item and tied the criss-crossed ribbons … fixed the side of that --- whatever it was my Mommy was wearing. 

Daddy’s tummy ache became worse.  The sound he was making was awful!  I bet he wished Mommy was there to rub his tummy.  Mommy always heals Daddy’s boo-boo.  Mommy’s excellent at rubbing.  I heard Daddy said so one time.

“If you’re here, Baby, I’ll let you take this off of me,” Mommy said in  her husky voice.

Now, why would Mommy wear that only to be taken off by Daddy right after she wears it?  Go figure?  Mommy and Daddy are so confusing…

Hmmm… Awwww… Maybe it’s the same, like, with the actor and the actress in the movie that Uncle Tom watches for $12.99 per view!  I got it, now!

I was confused, though, when I heard mommy hissed, “Are you almost there, baby?”

There, where?  I was lost, dear diary.  Daddy was in the screen, still rubbing his tummy, faster and faster… up and down… then, side to side…. Circular motion… He was almost delirious.  He could have just taken Pepto Bismol or Tums, Rolaids or something.  What he’s doing was only making his tummy hurt more.  Daddy's face was contorted and even his breathing became erratic.

But then again… Maybe mommy was making the pain go away via mental telepathy.  Because Mommy positioned her right foot on top of the table; then focused her attention on Daddy with such intensity; and she, too, start to rub her tummy --- I think --- or her thighs... I couldn't see but Mommy was rubbing her tummy and groin area as well; imitating Daddy's actions and she was making the same sound as Daddy’s.  I couldn’t see Mommy entirely coz I was sitting in the corner… like a good boy-cat with a girl’s name. *I’m rolling my eyes, dear diary!*

After a few minutes of loud screaming and moaning and “OH, BABY’s”  Both Mommy and Daddy seemed to twitch, then they calmed their breathing… then the tummy ache went away. 

Wow!  That was quite intriguing!  Who knew that that’s the best remedy for tummy ache.  Uncle Tom should call my Mommy when he has a tummy ache whenever he watches that movie without a story… only humpin’! 

Well, needless to say… Daddy felt better after that.  Mommy looked very happy.

“I can’t be away from you any more, Baby.  I’M COMING HOME!”


… And Daddy came home as fast as he could!  Mommy must have healed Daddy’s tummy ache so good that he had to come home right away to thank Mommy.

So you see now, dear diary, why I’m not home?  Daddy is back and it’s his turn to heal Mommy’s tummy ache. 

As soon as Daddy arrived, he gave me a hug, then handed me to Uncle Tom.

“Don’t call us.  We’ll call you.”  My very excited Daddy told Uncle Tom.  Then, pushed Uncle Tom (with me in his arms) out the door.

But before we left… I heard Mommy squeal and Daddy saying, “I FUCKING LOVE YOU, KRISTEN.  I MISS YOU, BABY.” 

The last word that Uncle Tom and I heard before we drove off was Mommy and Daddy screaming:


This is only the first day, dear diary… So I don’t know when I’ll be going home.  I hope my Mommy and Daddy are rubbing each other's tummy if they're both having tummy ache.  I hope, too, that the humping and licking and sucking will suffice their hunger.  Mommy cooks, yeah... But Daddy prefers to eat Mommy.  I bet Mommy is excited to taste Daddy as well; especially now that Daddy looks like Santa Clause. I bet my Mommy is super thrilled with that.  Mommy loves, loves, loves Christmas!

Uncle Tom is presently talking to his girl via skype… I think that’s the word. 

He now has a tummy ache….He could call Mommy but Daddy was clear when he told him, "Don't call us.  We'll call you."

Oh, boy!!!  I hope Uncle Tom's girl knows how to heal his tummy ache.

I’ll write to you again, dear diary, the next time I get the chance.

It’s just me, the boy-cat with a girly-cat name,



  1. well..whatever they're doin
    i just fuckin love them XD

  2. This was brillant! I laughed so hard at the tummy ache part. OMG!