CHARLIE SWAN FOUND HIMSELF WRITING A DIARY

(This is a product of some sleepless nights... Just I reiterated in my disclaimer below... scroll down...down some more... some more.... Well, I don't own Twilight!  No one does!  However, Stephanie Meyer wrote a book which she called Twilight.  So, I'm sort of borrowing her beloved characters.  Thank you!)

Dear Diary,

Umm... this is a little awkward for me, so please bear with me if I'm a little hesitant to share with you my thoughts and some concerns.  Except, I have to release some of the anxieties that are becoming somewhat unbearable these days.

My daughter, Bella, for a while now has been going out with a young man; polite, respectful, tall, and I'm sure every unmarried girl, young and old alike, in our little town of Forks,  dreams of hooking up with this boy:  Edward Cullen.

Now, don't go tellin' me that I'm biased, but I believe my daughter Bella is beautiful.  She is shy, yes; but she speaks her mind and very smart.  She is as good as a catch as her boyfriend.

My daughter and her beau are pretty much exclusive; perhaps too serious for my liking at their young age.  I can see, though, that Edward adores my Bella.  He treats her like a fragile little bird.  And this is where my concern begins.  Edward and Bella act a little PG13 for a couple.  If you happen to catch them gazing at each other's eyes, you'd look away because not even the Fork's Water Reservoir could ever extinguish the intensity in their eyes.  So, I have a suspicion.  It's been at the back of my mind for a while now.  It's puzzling though how controlled they are with displaying their affection. 

At night, when I go to bed, I'd hear another set of footsteps in my daughter's bedroom.  Sometimes, I pretend to be in deep slumber, faking a snore.  I would, then, hear Bella giggle, then hear the bed squeak.  With a speed I didn't know I possess, I'd run to her bedroom but I always find... NOTHING!  She's always alone in her bedroom, on her bed, sleeping.

Upon Edward's return from living in Los Angeles (I'm still suspicious about this), I noticed that the two have become even more closer... even more in love.  Sure, I see them kiss and hug, but always controlled.  I was once in love.  It was hard to keep my hands off Renee when we were together. 

The "activities" in Bella's room continued but I guess it was just my imagination. 

However, last night, dear diary, a loud banging on the wall woke me up.  I abruptly got up.  I listened for a while... and there I heard it... MOANING... GROANING... CURSING... BED SQUEAKING... the sound of unadulterated sex!  My Bella screaming in somewhat disturbing manner.  To say I was stunned was an understatement.  I didn't know what to do.  Is it Edward?  I thought to myself.  Without thinking, I went to grab my gun from its holster and ran fast to kill the mother-fucker (no pun intended) who's screwing my Bella.

I kicked the door open and there.... I saw...

EDWARD CULLEN BANGING MY DAUGHTER...HARD... REALLY HARD!

"You son of a bitch!"  I screamed with passion and pointed the gun at him.

"Billy, no!"  My daughter screamed, pulling that mother-fucker, Edward Cullen, into her arms... gripping him, protecting him.

Then confusion hit me.  "Billy?"  I asked.  I swear to god Bella called me Billy.

Edward-fucking-Cullen spoke seriously, "Yes, Billy.  Calm down!"

Bella looked at me pleadingly with her brown... Wait a minute... Bella's eyes were chocolate brown... NOT GREEN!  What the hell is going on?

"Okay.  Can someone tell me what is going on?"  I finally gave in.  I dropped the gun on the floor. Bella and Edward relaxed but remained attached, like two leeches, sucking each other.

"Billy,"  Bella started to say...

"Don't call me Billy.  I am your father, Bella!"

"Well, of course you are, when I'm Bella."  She responded matter-of-factly!  Like I was some idiot who should know this fact!

Edward-Fucking-Cullen started to giggle... YES, GIGGLE... Like a fucking 12-year old girl. 

"What do you mean?  And why are you, two, fucking like you've done this many times before... under my roof... with me in the other room..."  Realization was starting to set in...  But how?

"Um, Char--- Billy... You're right... We've been doing this for a while now!"  Edward-son-of-a-bitch-Cullen replied smugly, his fucking dick still burried in... Shit!  I don't want to think about it!

SON OF A BITCH!

I bent down to pick up the gun on the floor when Bella started pleading with me.

"Dad!  Don't!..."

"And why the fucking not?"  I asked as anger started to build up once again.

"You see, Edward will never fuck Bella.  He is old school.  He won't screw her until they're married."

I laughed without humor.  "But I just caught you pounding into each other!"

"With a good reason!"  Bella screamed.  "Right this very moment, I am not Bella and he's not Edward!!!"  My daughter's frustration was becoming evident.

"What does that bullshit mean?"  I asked angrily.

"RIGHT NOW I AM KRISTEN STEWART AND THIS FUCKABLE HUMAN BEING ON TOP OF ME IS MY BOYFRIEND, ROBERT PATTINSON.  SO, I'M GOING TO SAY THIS JUST ONE TIME, BILLY BURKE...  LEAVE US ALONE!"

My face turned red.  It had been grueling two nights of straight shooting and when fatigue started to get to us, an hour break was declared.

Shit!

So, we've just resumed shooting, dear diary... Edward and Bella's PG13 affection has just been upgraded to triple X (XXX). 

I just heard the director screamed, "Pack up!" 

No one knows where Bella and Edward went... Maybe, Robert and Kristen vanished them into thin air!

Well, another day at work, dear diary.

Sincerely,

Charlie... Fuck!  I mean, Billy... I mean Charlie... Shit!