Saturday, August 21, 2010
Rob's Diary Entry #001
ROB'S DIARY entry five years after blissful marriage with Kristen:
In spite of MY wife's many flaws, I've always thought that she was perfect. She's MY fucking angel. She's someone I could never live without. I even love even the littlest things that irks me about her.
What can I say?
When she bitches... She is MY bitch! And, boy, does she bitch!
When she's an angel... She is MY angel! And, you gotta believe it when I say that when she's in that mood, she would effing put Sister Teresa of Calcutta to shame!
Every freakin' aspect about Kristen Jaymes Pattinson IS MINE! SHE IS MY BITCH! SHE IS MY ANGEL. SHE IS MY HOME! MY FUCKING EVERYTHING!
To further explain... Months ago, she got upset coz I left her alone when she blatantly screamed, "Leave Me Alone!" How would I know I should never have left her alone when she said so? That mood cockblocked me to damnation! The couch was comfy, but not comfy enough. I know that if you could talk, you'd ask me, "How come you didn't sleep in one of the many bedrooms in your big house?" Well, apparently, it's my punishment for being "insensitive!" Yeah. Me. Fucking INSENSITIVE!
Even our sweet, caring four-year-old son came down in the middle of the night telling me to take his bed! I calmly told him that I was okay on the couch. But honestly, I didn't want the spat between me and the love of my life grow bigger because I couldn't FOLLOW A SIMPLE INSTRUCTION! (And I hope my friend Tom will never uncover any of these... dear God, please keep this secret safe from 'harm,' I beg you).
True enough, before the sun start to peep, I felt her hopped on top of me and started kissing my face and my neck, cying!
"Baby, I'm sorry!" She sobbed over and over. I could have made her suffer even just a little bit. But how could I not give in? I mean, come on! She's my woman! Wearing the skimpiest red negligee ever! And I could never get mad at her! NEVER! EVER!
To cut my story short... we concieved our third child that time... on the couch... in the living room... (You should see the big, fat smile on my face... I look like a fool, though.)
Anyway... That sweet morning "Robsten" sex-festival was the key that opened hell! Kristen's 3rd pregnancy was the worst! When I say "the worst" I mean THE WORST! Hormones turned MY angel into this multiple-personality psycho! Yup! MY psycho angel/bitch! The sex was great but damn! Even our four-year-old and three-year-old sons clung to me for their dear life when she was angry.. for nothing!!! I know.... I'm exaggerating... but I'm just making a point.
We both wanted a girl but when we learned on her 18th week of pregnancy that it was again a boy... (I'm shaking my head, by the way)... she freakin' had fit!
"A girl, Rob! A girl! I want a girl and you couldn't even shoot X chromosomes into my fucking oven?... Yadda...Yadda...Yadda...!"
I was in the dog pound for ONE LONG NIGHT! That time, she didn't come when MORNING CAME... NOT ME! THE MORNING DID!
Thank god my loving, sweet Kristen came back after she gave birth to our youngest son! She cried as she held our little, precious baby, her eyes on me... telling me how much she loves me! Modesty aside, KRISTEN AND I MAKE BEAUTIFUL BABIES TOGETHER!
Which leads to you, dear diary... Again, I'm on the couch... hoping the love of my life would come to me before the sun peeps tomorrow.
Yup! The fourth! Again... A boy!
I know MY wife loves me more than life itself but still...Wish me luck, dear diary... I need it badly!