Sunday, August 22, 2010

WHY ROB IS PISSED AT EDWARD CULLEN - Rob's Diary

NOTE:  THIS IS PURE FICTION.

Dear Diary,

Today we shot the bedroom scene in Eclipse... And yes! I'm fucking frustrated.  And I can tell you that today I started to detest Edward Cullen with every fiber of my being.  Why?  (I'm groaning, by the way... and not in a good way!)  Well, let's put it this way, Edward Cullen is the biggest cockblocker in the entire universe!  No one can beat that son-of-the-rising-sun, sparkly-pants, mother-fucker!  Oh, delete the last part.  He can't be a mother-fucker because he CAN NOT FUCK!  "It's dangerous, Bella," the asshole said when Bella was practically all over him!  (I'm really frustrated... hold on, dear diary, let me go get a beer then I'll be back.)

Sorry it took me almost an hour to return.  But just so you know, I'm in a better mood now.  SO MUCH MORE.  I'll tell you all about it later.

So, to continue... Yeah, Edward Cullen is a pussy! 

Going into the set, I was giddy with excitement.  David Slade, the director, said to relax because the scenes will be shot closed doors.  I guess I shoved off my lines in the back of my brains and thought that it would be best if my dialogue will come from my heart... Or so I thought.

Upon entering Edward's bedroom, Bella said, "There's a bed."

I said, "Yes, love.  And we will be making love the whole night in that bed."

"Cut!"  Screamed David.  "Robert, what the hell was that?"

I sighed.  My beautiful Kristen smiled knowing full well that I meant what I said.  Was it wrong, dear diary, to express my intention to my awesome girlfriend?  I'm sure that if Edward was smart, he'd say the same words I've spoken to Bella.  Well, apparently, Edward's an idiot because David started reading me the scene and my lines.  I didn't have much choice.

We resumed shooting...

Bella said:  "Okay, I want to negotiate my own condition."

Edward said: "Anything you want, it's yours"  (And I was cheering for Edward for having the balls to say that!)

Bella said:  "You promise?"

Edward and I said:  "Yeah." 

I was doing back flips in my head, dear diary; rejoicing that finally we're shooting the way I envisioned us to shoot.   The anticipation was making it hard for me to breathe.  It didn't help that my, uh, personal tool for glory was tired hiding and was then making an appearance.

Then Bella.. Yes, my wonderful Kristen... started to kiss my lips.. her hand slowly travelled from my neck, down to my chest.. then started to unbutton my shirt.  It was fucking amazing.

So, I eagerly pushed her down the bed, hovered over her, and started to kiss her with all my might as my hand groped her robust butt.  My baby and I were doing a great job expressing Edward's and Bella's undying love and desire for each other.

"CUT!"  The director exclaimed.  Again.  Another cock blocker!

Few minutes later, (I was then sulking and going into deep depression) we resumed shooting. 

So, we went back to where Bella started to kiss me... blah..blah..blah...

Then, fucking Edward said, "Um, Bella... NO!  It's too dangerous."  Damn you, Edward Cullen!  DAMN YOU!!!  No?  NO?  You fucking said, NO!?

But the gods were looking down at me, because when Bella said, "I want you..."  Edward relented and actually pushed Bella on the bed like I did earlier in the scene.  I was ecstatic!  Bella and Edward were forgotten and my Kristen and I were suddenly on autopilot... Sucking the life out of each other... It was heaven!  We were breathing heavily and I could swear we both forgot we were actually shooting.

"Baby, I love you," I said lovingly as I catch my breath. 

"I love you, too.  Take me, Rob!" My baby whispered.

Then a fucking sound that obviously belonged to our director started to torment us.  "Lines, Rob!  Say your lines.... Cut!  Cut!  Cut!" 

Few minutes later we were back to doing the scene and it took all my will power to say, "Stop trying to take your clothes off!" 

I thought I was going to cry, dear diary.  Now that I come to think about it, I think I DID!

"You want to do that part," Bella asked.

"Yes! Yes!" I screamed.

"No! No!"  David yelled.

Honestly, dear diary, I almost yank my girlfriend out of the room, leave fucking Edward and Bella in there, and just lock ourselves in our trailer where we can  make love freely and PROPERLY.  That reminds me... I should shoot Stephanie Meyer an email and beg her to tell Summit to keep Breaking Dawn as realistic as possible... just the way she'd written it in her book.

Anyway, dear diary... I devised a plan to get even.  Since I couldn't do what I planned to do with my honey (because Edward was obviously a sissy), I intentionally messed up my lines a few times and that gave me and my baby the opportunity to make out... THE WHOLE TIME! 

In your face, Edward-Cockblocking-Cullen!

Oh, yeah.  The reason why it took me almost an hour to get back... (I wish you could see the big, fat smile on my face, dear diary). 

Yup!  I'm happy.  Very happy.  I decided to be friends with Edward Cullen again.  Because if it werent' for Edward in the first place, I wouldn't have met the most beautiful and amazing woman in the face of universe:  Kristen Stewart.  My baby.  My fucking everything.  And SHE IS MINE!  ALL OF HER!

So, yeah... I went to get a beer and I found my baby in the kitchen, cooking dinner and ... Um... I, uh, kissed her here and there... she kissed me back... and the kiss intesified... and, um... the countertop wasn't uncomfortable at all... well, according to my baby, that is!  FUCKING AMAZING!

Well, she's UPSET now because dinner's ruined. 

I'm looking forward to our make-up sex in a few.

THANK GOD, I'M NOT EDWARD CULLEN!

One thing, though, dear diary... I'm not looking forward to the tent scene.  My baby said it's going to be fine.  I'm sure she'll make it fine.  She always does. 

I so love her, dear diary.  I really do.

Until my next entry - - - Rob.

2 comments:

  1. rob you have to understand, he doesn't want to hurt her!

    ReplyDelete