TOM HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO WRITE HIS OWN DIARY

Dear Diary,

I think I've lost my best pal, Rob.  He's totally a gonner.   Pussy-whipped.  Practically a love-slave.

When I look into his eyes, I swear I could see Kristen Stewart's face printed in his irises.  It's crazy.  Every fucking thing reminds him of her.  Even before a certain music begins to play over the radio, he's fast to react claiming that he was with Kristen when he first heard the song; which, by the way, is bullcrap because we've been listening to that song since we were teenagers.  I bet Kristen doesn't even know the title of the song. 

But who am I to judge really?  If truth be told, she's good for him.  She keeps him grounded.  Rob is now the biggest star in the planet.  Every fucking breathing human being wants him.  Everyone wants a piece of him.  And yet, he remained the same person I've become best friend with many years ago; except he is now practically married. 

I was worried about him when he first admitted he was crazy over Kristen Stewart.  When I say 'crazy' I mean CRAZY, all caps!  He loved that girl even before he met her.  'It' grew a million times more when he finally met her and kissed her lips.  Oh, we all know what happened during that memorable audition, right?  In fact, if it weren't for Kristen, Robert Pattinson wouldn't be the Robert Pattinson that he is now... I mean, fame-wise.  She knew he was "it" the moment she laid eyes on him and their lips met... It was romantic.  Now, don't you go encourage Robert tell you how it all happened because you're going to puke.  Kidding!  He could recall every fucking event that happened that day.  He said that that was when he knew heaven does exist.  Heaven my ass!  He was in hell when he learned Kristen was going out with that guy... Yup.  THAT GUY!  And no, not Jacob Black! 

I have to give credit to my best pal, though.  He persisted.  I guess when you want something that badly and love something that much; like your life is depended on it; and if you believe you're meant to be together; you can definitely move mountains.  In his case, he did move Kristen Stewart.  Now she is his.  He is wholly hers.  Even the three blind mice could sense the love they share.  Yes, they are in love.  At least, this I can tell you in confidence.  If I ever get caught saying this, I'd be in deep shit!

Anyway, I got to know Kristen Stewart and I get it.  The girl is everything that he said she is.  I guess I'd better stop here...

I'm happy for my best friend, dear diary.  He is happy and I am happy for him.  My girlfriend, too, is happy for him.  Everyone is happy for him.  Even the fucking queen is happy for him.  Well, unless, of course the Queen wants Kristen Stewart for Prince Harry!  Now there's a thought!  Shit!  I'd better not mention this to Rob or else he'd hire more body guards for Kristen.  Honestly, Rob is already doing the job of 5 body guards for Kristen.  He fucking guards her like she is the holy grail.  But then again, for Rob, she really is the holy grail. 

I've lost my best friend... but I gained a Robert Pattinson that is a better version of the pre-Kristen Stewart Robert Pattinson.  I also gained a good friend in Kristen Stewart.  All is good.  I can only wish that they're not going to use me as some sort of decoy so they could meet up and make out...  It's fun really... But they forget that the papz knew I'm Rob's bestfriend and if I'm "there" Rob is probably "there"... and if Rob is "there"... Kristen is probably "there" as well.  But in a way, I'm glad to be of help.  Rob and Kristen are big stars and they're hot commodities.  Their privacy is almost non-existent and I feel for them.  So, I'm glad that every now and then I provide them some sort of assistance.

Well, I guess, there was no use writing to you after all, dear diary.  I figured this out as I write... Or maybe it did help that I wrote to you.

Soon, I hope, I'll be an uncle.  Rob can't wait to be a dad.  Kristen, I can see, will do anything for Rob as well.  She's an amazing cook.  Watch, both she and Rob will gain weight... Oh, erase that.  They have ways of getting rid of the calories they take... very enjoyable to both of them... They, um, do the something-sutra, effing, love-activities more often than they eat... All is good! 

Okay, I gotta go now coz Kristen's and Robert's cat (sigh... poor cat has no name at this time) is scratching my shoes, begging for attention.  Yes, he's with me (don't ask me how it got to me... I can't say that part... sigh) because his parents are,  um, busy... They're on a holiday... Fuck, I swear I could hear them even though they're, like, so many miles away.... Hold on, gotta turn the music on!

I'm back!  Just so you know, I'm okay.  The cat is okay.  Thank you for the company, dear diary.  Until my next entry.

Tom