CHARLIE SWAN FOUND HIMSELF WRITING A DIARY

(This is a product of some sleepless nights... Just I reiterated in my disclaimer below... scroll down...down some more... some more.... Well, I don't own Twilight!  No one does!  However, Stephanie Meyer wrote a book which she called Twilight.  So, I'm sort of borrowing her beloved characters.  Thank you!)

Dear Diary,

Umm... this is a little awkward for me, so please bear with me if I'm a little hesitant to share with you my thoughts and some concerns.  Except, I have to release some of the anxieties that are becoming somewhat unbearable these days.

My daughter, Bella, for a while now has been going out with a young man; polite, respectful, tall, and I'm sure every unmarried girl, young and old alike, in our little town of Forks,  dreams of hooking up with this boy:  Edward Cullen.

Now, don't go tellin' me that I'm biased, but I believe my daughter Bella is beautiful.  She is shy, yes; but she speaks her mind and very smart.  She is as good as a catch as her boyfriend.

My daughter and her beau are pretty much exclusive; perhaps too serious for my liking at their young age.  I can see, though, that Edward adores my Bella.  He treats her like a fragile little bird.  And this is where my concern begins.  Edward and Bella act a little PG13 for a couple.  If you happen to catch them gazing at each other's eyes, you'd look away because not even the Fork's Water Reservoir could ever extinguish the intensity in their eyes.  So, I have a suspicion.  It's been at the back of my mind for a while now.  It's puzzling though how controlled they are with displaying their affection. 

At night, when I go to bed, I'd hear another set of footsteps in my daughter's bedroom.  Sometimes, I pretend to be in deep slumber, faking a snore.  I would, then, hear Bella giggle, then hear the bed squeak.  With a speed I didn't know I possess, I'd run to her bedroom but I always find... NOTHING!  She's always alone in her bedroom, on her bed, sleeping.

Upon Edward's return from living in Los Angeles (I'm still suspicious about this), I noticed that the two have become even more closer... even more in love.  Sure, I see them kiss and hug, but always controlled.  I was once in love.  It was hard to keep my hands off Renee when we were together. 

The "activities" in Bella's room continued but I guess it was just my imagination. 

However, last night, dear diary, a loud banging on the wall woke me up.  I abruptly got up.  I listened for a while... and there I heard it... MOANING... GROANING... CURSING... BED SQUEAKING... the sound of unadulterated sex!  My Bella screaming in somewhat disturbing manner.  To say I was stunned was an understatement.  I didn't know what to do.  Is it Edward?  I thought to myself.  Without thinking, I went to grab my gun from its holster and ran fast to kill the mother-fucker (no pun intended) who's screwing my Bella.

I kicked the door open and there.... I saw...

EDWARD CULLEN BANGING MY DAUGHTER...HARD... REALLY HARD!

"You son of a bitch!"  I screamed with passion and pointed the gun at him.

"Billy, no!"  My daughter screamed, pulling that mother-fucker, Edward Cullen, into her arms... gripping him, protecting him.

Then confusion hit me.  "Billy?"  I asked.  I swear to god Bella called me Billy.

Edward-fucking-Cullen spoke seriously, "Yes, Billy.  Calm down!"

Bella looked at me pleadingly with her brown... Wait a minute... Bella's eyes were chocolate brown... NOT GREEN!  What the hell is going on?

"Okay.  Can someone tell me what is going on?"  I finally gave in.  I dropped the gun on the floor. Bella and Edward relaxed but remained attached, like two leeches, sucking each other.

"Billy,"  Bella started to say...

"Don't call me Billy.  I am your father, Bella!"

"Well, of course you are, when I'm Bella."  She responded matter-of-factly!  Like I was some idiot who should know this fact!

Edward-Fucking-Cullen started to giggle... YES, GIGGLE... Like a fucking 12-year old girl. 

"What do you mean?  And why are you, two, fucking like you've done this many times before... under my roof... with me in the other room..."  Realization was starting to set in...  But how?

"Um, Char--- Billy... You're right... We've been doing this for a while now!"  Edward-son-of-a-bitch-Cullen replied smugly, his fucking dick still burried in... Shit!  I don't want to think about it!

SON OF A BITCH!

I bent down to pick up the gun on the floor when Bella started pleading with me.

"Dad!  Don't!..."

"And why the fucking not?"  I asked as anger started to build up once again.

"You see, Edward will never fuck Bella.  He is old school.  He won't screw her until they're married."

I laughed without humor.  "But I just caught you pounding into each other!"

"With a good reason!"  Bella screamed.  "Right this very moment, I am not Bella and he's not Edward!!!"  My daughter's frustration was becoming evident.

"What does that bullshit mean?"  I asked angrily.

"RIGHT NOW I AM KRISTEN STEWART AND THIS FUCKABLE HUMAN BEING ON TOP OF ME IS MY BOYFRIEND, ROBERT PATTINSON.  SO, I'M GOING TO SAY THIS JUST ONE TIME, BILLY BURKE...  LEAVE US ALONE!"

My face turned red.  It had been grueling two nights of straight shooting and when fatigue started to get to us, an hour break was declared.

Shit!

So, we've just resumed shooting, dear diary... Edward and Bella's PG13 affection has just been upgraded to triple X (XXX). 

I just heard the director screamed, "Pack up!" 

No one knows where Bella and Edward went... Maybe, Robert and Kristen vanished them into thin air!

Well, another day at work, dear diary.

Sincerely,

Charlie... Fuck!  I mean, Billy... I mean Charlie... Shit! 

ROB'S SCRUFFY BEARD!

ROB WELCOMES KRISTEN BACK IN HIS ARMS

(I'll be damned if this is real! LOL)

Dear Diary,

Today’s “To do” list:

1. Email my baby

2. Put out the garbage

3. Call my baby

4. Do the dishes

5. Text my baby

6. Pick up the clothes

7. Google my baby, then text my baby

8. Change bed sheet and pillow cases

9. Call my baby

10. Do laundry

11. Text my baby

12. Call my baby

13. Feed Jella & take care of his litter box

14. Decorate

15. Shower

16. Call my baby and put her on speaker phone

17. “Take care” of baby and me!

18. Nighty-night!

19. WELCOME MY BABY BACK INTO MY ARMS

20. MAKE UP FOR THE LOST TIME

Above is my “To Do” list before my baby and I reunite. I miss her so much. It’s always hard being away from her. And although we locked ourselves up last weekend, before my baby left for Argentina, and made love like it’s the last night of the word – well, two times for every day that we’re apart, that is! Not much, really, hehehe… It was one of the best weekends of my freakin’ twenty-four years of existence. You’d think our strenuous activities last weekend would make our separation easier. NOT AT ALL. If anything, it made it even harder. I yearn for her touch every fucking minute, it’s not funny anymore.

When I go to bed after we talk on the phone, I begin to miss her even more that my heart breaks; it’s hard to breathe. But this suffering should be over soon. She’s coming home to me! We promised that we’re not going to be apart for a long duration of time if we can help it. We’ll always find a way to be together NO FUCKING MATTER WHAT!

I’m now on #10 of my To Do List. I gotta admit I did not follow the list the way I’ve written it. Well…

#1, I texted my baby “good morning” when I woke up.

#2, I emailed my baby telling her I love her and I miss her --- that was after I texted her.

#3, I called her after I texted her, just in case she didn’t get my text and email. We talked for over an hour. That made me very happy.

#4, I texted her again to tell her I enjoyed our talk over the phone, and that I miss her and I love her.

#5 I emailed her to tell her I texted and I still miss her and I love her! Then, before I could do

#6 on my list, I received a text and an email from my baby telling me that she got my texts and email. So instead, I texted her back and emailed her back thanking her for texting me and emailing back, and that I miss her and I love her.  Ha! That's not so confusing, is it?

So, on with my list…

#7 I had to go back to #2 on my list. A very daunting chore! Putting out the garbage! Well, that’s done. I did the dishes, too. How I’ve used 8 cups, 10 glasses, 5 plates, 12 forks, 3 knives in addition to some containers and lids is beyond me. Honestly! Kristen left the kitchen spic and span.

Oh, yeahhhh! My baby baked her famous loquat crumbles. Two! Just for me, before she left. She prepared chili verde, marinara sauce for my pasta noodles; she put them in individual containers, so that I could easily microwave my food. Hmm… My baby can cook! My honey really takes care of me… Fuck! I miss her again! I guess I will never, ever, stop missing her. I need to text her again, dear diary. I gotta let her know I appreciate her and I love her… and I miss her.

So, I picked my clothes up, changed the bedding and now I’m doing the laundry --- Oops! I hear the sound of the dryer… be right back!

Bloody hell! How in the world did a white Egyptian cotton linen – 1,020 thread-count – become pink?!? Noooo! I’m dead! Kristen is going to kill me! We christened that sheet before she left for Argentina… literally before she walked out the door to go to the airport. She loved that linen. She rolled her fucking, perfect body seductively over it, enjoyed its texture, and while she did that, the linen captured my baby’s sweet, addictive scent. That bed sheet was my best friend until I killed it just now. I’d better call my mom and ask her what I should do. Or order another set online.

Time to Google my baby, dear diary!

_________________________

JELLA’S POV

I guess my Daddy misses my mommy more than I do. He’d gone mad from missing her. He was smiling when he said, “Time to Google mommy, Jella!” Then, a few minutes later, he started pacing the room. He stops every now and then to stare at his laptop’s monitor. A throaty groan would escape his throat every darn time. Hell, I was waiting for smoke to come out from daddy’s ears.

Slowly, I crawled on the couch to see what’s on the screen. Ha! It was mommy! I can see daddy’s fingers twitch; itching to call mommy. But he knows mommy’s working. Daddy can't stop pacing! Daddy’s giving me freakin’ headache.

I looked at the screen again and I couldn’t figure out what’s upsetting daddy. Mommy was wearing her hoodie; and was actually layered! Then I saw it… Owwww…. I couldn’t help but smirk and wanted to hit the back of daddy’s head if I could! It wasn’t like mommy was intentionally showing off her cleavage. Gosh! Sure her satin bra was peeking a bit… but so what? I’ve met and spent time with Grandma & Grandpa Pattz, Aunt Lizzie and Aunt Vicky. They’re civilized people. So, I don’t know why daddy was turning into a caveman for no reason at all! Was he adopted? Hmm…

I wasn’t surprised when daddy ended up calling mommy. I heard him say mommy was only allowed to wear low-cut shirts when she’s with him. No compromise on that matter (according to daddy. I didn’t hear what mommy said).  He groaned, moaned, snapped, hissed, smiled, laughed…. It’s very confusing, really. After the call though, daddy was in a better mood. Mommy really knows how to make daddy smile.

Well, I’d better go nap. This is going to be a long day! I saw some signs, banner, balloons , and streamers earlier. Daddy said he’s decorating for mommy. I told him “Good luck with that!” But of course, what came out from my mouth was, “MEOW!”

________________________________

ROB’S BACK WRITING IN HIS DIARY

… Well, Kristen and I compromised, dear diary. My baby shut down my suggestion about her not wearing any more low-cut top when I’m not with her. I suggested turtle-necks and she cut it right there! But… we agreed that when I’m not with her, she’s not going to wear any lace, satin or sexy bras. I will shop for her online tonight. I’m buying her comfy, cotton sports bras! My baby loves Nikes, right? It wouldn’t be so bad. I’m just looking out for her welfare, that’s all!  Hmm... How about those nursing bras that cover the "entire" boobies?  I'm going to google that later. 

She will wear a sports bra when I’m not with her. But when we’re together… That’s another story. She needs not wear a bra if I have my say! Oh, right… I have my say! I’m her fucking boyfriend! She belongs to me!

I have lots of things to do before my baby is back in my arms. I still have to put up the banner that says, “Welcome home, Baby!” I bought streamers and party hats, and balloons… and lots of party supplies. My Kristen and I are going to have a REUNION PARTY! Maybe we can wear the paper hats and nothing else… Shit, dear diary… I’d better go take a loooooong cold shower.

Until later… Rob.

________________________________________________

JELLA’S POV

Mommy will be here soon. She’s gonna be mad. Daddy turned the house into a big mess. I helped him, of course. He held me up wanting me to tie the string of the WELCOME HOME banner. My paws don’t flex the way daddy wanted them to. So, he, stepped on the couch, fell, hit mommy’s favorite figurine – it broke of course – landed on the coffee table and broke the glass top! Of course daddy freaked out. He tried to vacuum the shattered glass which broke the vacuum cleaner in the process.  He, one by one, picked up the broken glass, cut himself, and blood was all over the fluffy white carpet. Daddy’s fine. It’s a small cut. Then, he tried to blow each balloon up, couldn’t even finish one, and left them on the counter. I played with them, of course. I thought daddy gave up on it.  Let’s just say I’m on a “time out!”

Daddy was persistent though. In spite of his earlier ordeal, he refuses to give up. He wanted the damn WELCOME HOME banner up for mommy. He’s now standing on a chair.

If I could talk, I would tell him about the expensive, durable, ladder sitting in the garage. I can’t talk! Not my fault!

Ah-oh! I think mommy's here!!!
==========================================================

TAYLOR PRAYS...

(You got it! This is fiction!)

Dear Diary,

Today, I found myself praying to all the gods that human beings pray to!  Even to Elvis and to the Holy Cow!  Holy crap is pushing it and I might insult the senior gods.  I'm Jacob-Black-mad!  Pretty close to how mad Edward Cullen was when he found out I kissed Bella Swan without her permission...

Anyhoo---  I ordered a custom RV trailer for use on the set where I'm filming "Abduction," but the RV trailer I ordered arrived late!  Bella Swan even delivered Renesmee faster than the delivery of my dang RV!  Damn! (Sorry, I don't curse... that's my worst, by the way.. please bear with me). 

The said trailer was scheduled to arrive on set in late June TWO THOUSAND TEN... Rob and Kristen came and went... came again and again... over and over... but the dang trailer never friggin came!  Go figure!  THERE WAS NO TRAILER TO BE FOUND!  I am totally crushed!  I am now as mad as when the Nonstens finally found out that Rob and Kristen are real couple and very much in love; that no matter how they bury themselves in denial, the truth about Rob and Kristen being faithful and totally in love with each other will always be in their face! 

So, last Monday, I filed papers to sue the company I purchased the damn trailer from for breach of contract!  Shit!  Even Renesmee Cullen did a better job with her breech birth! 

Anyway, I don't want to discuss Renesmee at this time... I still cringe at the thought that Jacob Black found himself in love with a new born baby!  Ewww!  Sick!  But, I guess.. at least with Renesemee, Jacob has a chance to score even if he had to wait for seven long years.  Okay, I get it!  After 3 movies, Jacob Black has finally accepted that Bella Swan belongs to Edward Cullen.  Even in damn real life!  Because, honestly, dear diary, Kristen is super cool!  I'd like to have a girl just like her!  Ooopss... I'd better not piss the Robsten god!

That is why I pray to all the gods that I win this case. 

I promise you, oh gods... including the Robsten god - whoever you are - that if I won this case, I'd buy a super cool tour bus, with all the ammenities, and will lend it to Rob and Kristen when we shoot Breaking Dawn so that they can be comfy when they, uh, take a quickie break... I mean, you know, to rest and relax after shooting a scene. 

Since I'm writing about my two good friends, Rob and Kristen, dear diary.... Let me just say that I kept their not-so-secret relationship, never once outed them... which leads me to believe that the Robsten god will take pity on me and lobby for me in the god kingdom!

I gotta go now so I could google what god I've missed.

Wish me luck, dear diary.

Taylor

DEAR DIARY, I AM NOT A JEALOUS OR A POSSESSIVE GIRLFRIEND - KRISTEN

(You're right! This is fiction!)

Dear Diary,

I am so in love with my boyfriend... My ultimate soulmate... The love of my life, my baby: Rob.

So, I'm just here to write about how I’m not a jealous or a possessive girlfriend. No, I don’t think so! Not at all!

I am confident that my man loves me and is loyal to me. He had proven so many times that he’s faithful to me and to our relationship. We're in this together... aiming for a lifelong partnership and happiness!

Anyway, not because I glare at my baby and pinch his side when an ugly bitch bats her fucking eyelashes at him doesn’t mean I’m jealous.

Or when I throw a mini tantrum because he forgets to call me when he said he will; then my imagination runs wild, thinking that a whore caught his perfect green eyes doesn’t mean I’m jealous.

Or when I refuse to have a mind-blowing sex with him because someone called his cellphone and he didn’t voluntarily tell me who called doesn’t necessarily mean I’m jealous.

Or when I give him the dreaded silent treatment (this drives him crazy, by the way) just because some lunatic witch couldn’t get the message that he’s taken and sends him an email; and I wonder how that fucking girl got his email… damn her to hell!!! This doesn’t mean I’m jealous.

Or when I don’t answer his phone call when we’re away from each other because I read something absurd in the magazine that’s not even true…just some shit those fucking gossip magazines fabricated… until he worries like crazy and starts calling our friends and every member of my family to make sure I’m fine… Hmm… Even this doesn’t mean I’m jealous. Sometimes, I just want to, um, be alone. Nothing that’s gravely unexplainable.

Or when we’re in the prying eyes of the public, I subtly give hints that HE BELONGS TO ME so that every ambitious, deranged, delusional, bitch – male and female alike – would get it, you know… This doesn’t mean I’m jealous or possessive. Right?

When I am seen wearing his shirt he had worn just the night before doesn’t mean I’m making a statement or something… Well, it’s just that his shirt is comfy. That’s all.

When I sort of proudly ‘display’ the things he had given me (my baby knows how to make me feel loved, I swear), like my ring and necklace… This doesn’t mean I’m telling the world who I belong to or who he belongs to. Come to think about it, neither of us has to say anything or any confirmation because, come on… can we be more obvious? We’re just making our lives bearable. We choose to keep what’s important to us ours… private.

And by god you’re right, dear diary, if you think I’m greedy when it comes to him. I DON’T FUCKING SHARE! No, I’m neither jealous nor possessive. I simply don’t want to share. It’s bad as it is that I have to share his lips with his leading ladies in his movies… Grrrr… Life sometimes isn’t fair! Shit! Fuck!...NO, THIS ISN’T DRIVING ME CRAZY! Damn! I’m just expressing a concern, is all!

It’s funny, though, how all these things make my baby love me even more. He always says it makes him feel loved and cherished. Of course I love him and I cherish him. But what boggles my mind is when he tells me that I am acting jealous makes him horny and said that it’s hot. Honestly, I don’t know what he’s talking about. I’m always calm and collected… always reasonable… I THINK!

You know what they say… a couple sometimes mirrors each other. True! Because when a guy approaches me, I swear his hands become these super flexible, like elastics, because they’re all over me in an instant. And his cute, adorable pout becomes this mega pout attached to my neck or my nape... and sometimes when he couldn't help himself, to my lips.  It’s hot, actually. I love it. What am I saying? I love everything about my Rob.

Recently, we were caught making out... Not a big deal.  Really, how many times have we been caught canoodling, holding hands... We figured that it doesn't matter how many times we were caught holding hands or kissing, for as long as we don't comment about any of it, we're good! 

There you see now, dear diary. Rob and I are both mature human beings. We protect each other because we’re that important, if not the most important, in each other’s life.

Okay… I gotta go now so I could call him… see what he’s up to. I miss him like crazy.


Until next time,

Kristen

JELLA WRITES IN HIS DIARY... BECAUSE HE CAN!

Dear Diary,

I love my daddy with all my heart but, really...! This serenading thingee has to stop! Sure, mommy loves it! My daddy singing to my mommy makes both of them giddy and giggly.  For some reason, though, no matter what song daddy sings, mommy always ends up on daddy’s lap… which I think is a good thing because, then, daddy would stop singing (thank god!) would drop his guitar on the floor (that's why daddy buys a lot of guitar--- sometimes they get broken when daddy carelessly drops them on the floor!) so he could wrap his arms around mommy’s waist… But hugging makes them hungry ALL THE TIME.  Daddy would, then, start licking and biting mommy...  This makes mommy really,really, thirsty; because she'd pull daddy's head to her and suck daddy's mouth.  Yeah...  Daddy loves mommy very much because he would give anything to mommy; even his saliva!

Well, daddy sings a lot.  He writes songs about mommy.  Never about me! This makes me sad.  I know the reason why daddy doesn't write songs about me.  One time, Uncle Tom told daddy that he's pussy whipped!  I was stunned, dear diary.  I never once whipped daddy, I swear!  I would never whip daddy!  Sometimes when I wiggle my tail it hits daddy but he never once scolded me!  I will continue to be a good boy and maybe one day daddy will write a song about me.

As I've mentioned... Daddy writes and sings songs about mommy.  It's funny because daddy sings angry songs when he's pissed at mommy.  He thought mommy doesn't know this.  Mommy would then raise an eyebrow, hands on hips, and ask:  "What?"  But daddy's good!  He has his own super power, too:  His pout!  I don't know how he does this... because when daddy pouts, mommy melts.  The loud song, the guitar, the anger... they're left forgotten... ALWAYS!  Mommy always ends up on daddy's arms, then daddy carries mommy in their bedroom.  Sometimes they fail to make it to the bedroom.  Daddy does this thing to mommy I would do to my mate if I have one; and if I'm not neutered.  I know some of these things, too!  I watch animal planet!  And I'm an animal.  I have instincts!

Now, don't let me start telling you about how mommy and daddy cried when mommy left to go somewhere for work!  She'll be gone for a while.  I'll write about that next time... For now, I have to go entertain daddy.  Again.  He's been sulking in their room, hugging mommy's shirt.  When his phone rings, he lits up but if it's not mommy who's calling, he just lets his phone ring... Mommy called multi-gazillion times already and she's only been gone for a day!  I have a feeling, daddy will follow mommy very, very soon!  I bet daddy's going to take me with him!  I can't wait.  I miss mommy, too.  Now I'm depressed... just like daddy.

I hope that the next time I write to you, dear diary, I'll be a happier cat... with mommy and daddy beside me.

Until next time,
Jella

ROB HAS A PLAN...

WHY ROB IS PISSED AT EDWARD CULLEN - Rob's Diary

NOTE:  THIS IS PURE FICTION.

Dear Diary,

Today we shot the bedroom scene in Eclipse... And yes! I'm fucking frustrated.  And I can tell you that today I started to detest Edward Cullen with every fiber of my being.  Why?  (I'm groaning, by the way... and not in a good way!)  Well, let's put it this way, Edward Cullen is the biggest cockblocker in the entire universe!  No one can beat that son-of-the-rising-sun, sparkly-pants, mother-fucker!  Oh, delete the last part.  He can't be a mother-fucker because he CAN NOT FUCK!  "It's dangerous, Bella," the asshole said when Bella was practically all over him!  (I'm really frustrated... hold on, dear diary, let me go get a beer then I'll be back.)

Sorry it took me almost an hour to return.  But just so you know, I'm in a better mood now.  SO MUCH MORE.  I'll tell you all about it later.

So, to continue... Yeah, Edward Cullen is a pussy! 

Going into the set, I was giddy with excitement.  David Slade, the director, said to relax because the scenes will be shot closed doors.  I guess I shoved off my lines in the back of my brains and thought that it would be best if my dialogue will come from my heart... Or so I thought.

Upon entering Edward's bedroom, Bella said, "There's a bed."

I said, "Yes, love.  And we will be making love the whole night in that bed."

"Cut!"  Screamed David.  "Robert, what the hell was that?"

I sighed.  My beautiful Kristen smiled knowing full well that I meant what I said.  Was it wrong, dear diary, to express my intention to my awesome girlfriend?  I'm sure that if Edward was smart, he'd say the same words I've spoken to Bella.  Well, apparently, Edward's an idiot because David started reading me the scene and my lines.  I didn't have much choice.

We resumed shooting...

Bella said:  "Okay, I want to negotiate my own condition."

Edward said: "Anything you want, it's yours"  (And I was cheering for Edward for having the balls to say that!)

Bella said:  "You promise?"

Edward and I said:  "Yeah." 

I was doing back flips in my head, dear diary; rejoicing that finally we're shooting the way I envisioned us to shoot.   The anticipation was making it hard for me to breathe.  It didn't help that my, uh, personal tool for glory was tired hiding and was then making an appearance.

Then Bella.. Yes, my wonderful Kristen... started to kiss my lips.. her hand slowly travelled from my neck, down to my chest.. then started to unbutton my shirt.  It was fucking amazing.

So, I eagerly pushed her down the bed, hovered over her, and started to kiss her with all my might as my hand groped her robust butt.  My baby and I were doing a great job expressing Edward's and Bella's undying love and desire for each other.

"CUT!"  The director exclaimed.  Again.  Another cock blocker!

Few minutes later, (I was then sulking and going into deep depression) we resumed shooting. 

So, we went back to where Bella started to kiss me... blah..blah..blah...

Then, fucking Edward said, "Um, Bella... NO!  It's too dangerous."  Damn you, Edward Cullen!  DAMN YOU!!!  No?  NO?  You fucking said, NO!?

But the gods were looking down at me, because when Bella said, "I want you..."  Edward relented and actually pushed Bella on the bed like I did earlier in the scene.  I was ecstatic!  Bella and Edward were forgotten and my Kristen and I were suddenly on autopilot... Sucking the life out of each other... It was heaven!  We were breathing heavily and I could swear we both forgot we were actually shooting.

"Baby, I love you," I said lovingly as I catch my breath. 

"I love you, too.  Take me, Rob!" My baby whispered.

Then a fucking sound that obviously belonged to our director started to torment us.  "Lines, Rob!  Say your lines.... Cut!  Cut!  Cut!" 

Few minutes later we were back to doing the scene and it took all my will power to say, "Stop trying to take your clothes off!" 

I thought I was going to cry, dear diary.  Now that I come to think about it, I think I DID!

"You want to do that part," Bella asked.

"Yes! Yes!" I screamed.

"No! No!"  David yelled.

Honestly, dear diary, I almost yank my girlfriend out of the room, leave fucking Edward and Bella in there, and just lock ourselves in our trailer where we can  make love freely and PROPERLY.  That reminds me... I should shoot Stephanie Meyer an email and beg her to tell Summit to keep Breaking Dawn as realistic as possible... just the way she'd written it in her book.

Anyway, dear diary... I devised a plan to get even.  Since I couldn't do what I planned to do with my honey (because Edward was obviously a sissy), I intentionally messed up my lines a few times and that gave me and my baby the opportunity to make out... THE WHOLE TIME! 

In your face, Edward-Cockblocking-Cullen!

Oh, yeah.  The reason why it took me almost an hour to get back... (I wish you could see the big, fat smile on my face, dear diary). 

Yup!  I'm happy.  Very happy.  I decided to be friends with Edward Cullen again.  Because if it werent' for Edward in the first place, I wouldn't have met the most beautiful and amazing woman in the face of universe:  Kristen Stewart.  My baby.  My fucking everything.  And SHE IS MINE!  ALL OF HER!

So, yeah... I went to get a beer and I found my baby in the kitchen, cooking dinner and ... Um... I, uh, kissed her here and there... she kissed me back... and the kiss intesified... and, um... the countertop wasn't uncomfortable at all... well, according to my baby, that is!  FUCKING AMAZING!

Well, she's UPSET now because dinner's ruined. 

I'm looking forward to our make-up sex in a few.

THANK GOD, I'M NOT EDWARD CULLEN!

One thing, though, dear diary... I'm not looking forward to the tent scene.  My baby said it's going to be fine.  I'm sure she'll make it fine.  She always does. 

I so love her, dear diary.  I really do.

Until my next entry - - - Rob.

TOM HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO WRITE HIS OWN DIARY

Dear Diary,

I think I've lost my best pal, Rob.  He's totally a gonner.   Pussy-whipped.  Practically a love-slave.

When I look into his eyes, I swear I could see Kristen Stewart's face printed in his irises.  It's crazy.  Every fucking thing reminds him of her.  Even before a certain music begins to play over the radio, he's fast to react claiming that he was with Kristen when he first heard the song; which, by the way, is bullcrap because we've been listening to that song since we were teenagers.  I bet Kristen doesn't even know the title of the song. 

But who am I to judge really?  If truth be told, she's good for him.  She keeps him grounded.  Rob is now the biggest star in the planet.  Every fucking breathing human being wants him.  Everyone wants a piece of him.  And yet, he remained the same person I've become best friend with many years ago; except he is now practically married. 

I was worried about him when he first admitted he was crazy over Kristen Stewart.  When I say 'crazy' I mean CRAZY, all caps!  He loved that girl even before he met her.  'It' grew a million times more when he finally met her and kissed her lips.  Oh, we all know what happened during that memorable audition, right?  In fact, if it weren't for Kristen, Robert Pattinson wouldn't be the Robert Pattinson that he is now... I mean, fame-wise.  She knew he was "it" the moment she laid eyes on him and their lips met... It was romantic.  Now, don't you go encourage Robert tell you how it all happened because you're going to puke.  Kidding!  He could recall every fucking event that happened that day.  He said that that was when he knew heaven does exist.  Heaven my ass!  He was in hell when he learned Kristen was going out with that guy... Yup.  THAT GUY!  And no, not Jacob Black! 

I have to give credit to my best pal, though.  He persisted.  I guess when you want something that badly and love something that much; like your life is depended on it; and if you believe you're meant to be together; you can definitely move mountains.  In his case, he did move Kristen Stewart.  Now she is his.  He is wholly hers.  Even the three blind mice could sense the love they share.  Yes, they are in love.  At least, this I can tell you in confidence.  If I ever get caught saying this, I'd be in deep shit!

Anyway, I got to know Kristen Stewart and I get it.  The girl is everything that he said she is.  I guess I'd better stop here...

I'm happy for my best friend, dear diary.  He is happy and I am happy for him.  My girlfriend, too, is happy for him.  Everyone is happy for him.  Even the fucking queen is happy for him.  Well, unless, of course the Queen wants Kristen Stewart for Prince Harry!  Now there's a thought!  Shit!  I'd better not mention this to Rob or else he'd hire more body guards for Kristen.  Honestly, Rob is already doing the job of 5 body guards for Kristen.  He fucking guards her like she is the holy grail.  But then again, for Rob, she really is the holy grail. 

I've lost my best friend... but I gained a Robert Pattinson that is a better version of the pre-Kristen Stewart Robert Pattinson.  I also gained a good friend in Kristen Stewart.  All is good.  I can only wish that they're not going to use me as some sort of decoy so they could meet up and make out...  It's fun really... But they forget that the papz knew I'm Rob's bestfriend and if I'm "there" Rob is probably "there"... and if Rob is "there"... Kristen is probably "there" as well.  But in a way, I'm glad to be of help.  Rob and Kristen are big stars and they're hot commodities.  Their privacy is almost non-existent and I feel for them.  So, I'm glad that every now and then I provide them some sort of assistance.

Well, I guess, there was no use writing to you after all, dear diary.  I figured this out as I write... Or maybe it did help that I wrote to you.

Soon, I hope, I'll be an uncle.  Rob can't wait to be a dad.  Kristen, I can see, will do anything for Rob as well.  She's an amazing cook.  Watch, both she and Rob will gain weight... Oh, erase that.  They have ways of getting rid of the calories they take... very enjoyable to both of them... They, um, do the something-sutra, effing, love-activities more often than they eat... All is good! 

Okay, I gotta go now coz Kristen's and Robert's cat (sigh... poor cat has no name at this time) is scratching my shoes, begging for attention.  Yes, he's with me (don't ask me how it got to me... I can't say that part... sigh) because his parents are,  um, busy... They're on a holiday... Fuck, I swear I could hear them even though they're, like, so many miles away.... Hold on, gotta turn the music on!

I'm back!  Just so you know, I'm okay.  The cat is okay.  Thank you for the company, dear diary.  Until my next entry.

Tom

A NEW NAME FOR JELLA

Rob:  *Looking sad*  "Baby, I think we should rename Jalla and then let's do some sort of a celebration, like an official christening for him... you know...for his new name."

Kristen:  *Sighs in defeat*  "I guess..."

Rob:  "I don't like Max because it can be spelled as MAKS..."  *Frowns* That's, like, the initials of your ex's and yours combined."  *Frowns some more*

Kristen:  "That's why we call  him Jella..."

Rob:  "Yeah, but that's like Jacob and Bella combined!"  *Now frustrated*

Kristen:  "But, baby... You're Jacob, too, in Waters for Elephants. Right?"

Rob:  *Still frowning*  "I still don't like it!"

Kristen:  "Okay.  Have you thought of a name?"

Rob:  *Finally a smile on his face*  "How about..."

Jella:  "Oh, dear God!  Daddy is naming me.  This isn't good!  It's bad that I'm named Jella when I'm a male-cat.  If daddy's naming me CLAUDIA, I swear to cat-god I'd move in with Uncle Tom!"

ROB's EMAIL TO SUMMIT

Kristen:  "Um, baby?  What are you doing?"

Rob: *Serious expression on his face*  "Oh, I'm e-mailing Summit, Babe."

Kristen: "Why?"

Rob:  "I'm just making a request to make Breaking Dawn AUTHENTIC.  That's all!  No biggie."

Kristen:  "What do you mean when you say 'authentic,' Babe?

Rob: *Grins*  "You know... the honeymoon... when Bella joined Edward wearing nothing in the beach... When they made love the first time... Especially the part when Bella was turned into a vampire; then that first night she and Edward made love and she realized that there's no need for her to go to the bathroom... or that she won't be getting tired at all... that she and Edward could go on and on and on and on.....and on!"

Kristen: *Rolls eyes*  "You're kidding me right?"

Rob:  "Oh, not at all, Babe.  I considered the age range of Twilight followers and I'm thinking if the book was accepted the way it was written, so why not an AUTHENTIC MOVIE VERSION? 

Kristen:  "So, you want the rest of the word see us naked?  Making love? 

Rob:  *Now in deep thought*  "Ummmmmmmmm.... We can always do it realistically but with a soft blanket draping us... you know, so that Edward and Bella enjoy their honeymoon and so they can totally express their undying love for each other.  I bet Bella will enjoy that! *winks*  She's been trying to convince Edward to fuck her... I mean to make love to her."

Kristen:  *Laughs* "So what else did you write in your email?"

Rob:  *Taps the mouse*  "I just said that Bella should be TOTALLY PREGNANT.  Not a fake pregnancy... you know... no props... no, nothing!"

Kristen: *Eyes bulging; now hands on hips*  "And how do you propose we do that, Mr. Robert Pattinson?"

Rob:  *Shakes head*  "Really, Kristen?  Do you have to ask that?  Of course, I'll have to get you pregnant.  Duh!"

Kristen:  *Raises hands in surrender*  "Okay... supposing you get me pregnant... You do know that we're shooting in November... this year... two thousand ten... My tummy will still be flat by then... And if we shoot pregnant Bella early next year, I'd only be like 5 or 6 months pregnant... Meaning, I'll only have a small bump!  Did you forget that Bella had a huge stomach when she was carrying Renesmee?"

Rob:  "Well, if we try do it now..."

Kristen:  "You're not listening to me, Rob... There's just no way!"

Rob:  "But can we try anyway?"  *Puppy eyes*

Kristen:  "So, tell me this though... If you want the movie to be truly autentic and all... Did you think about how Bella gave birth to Renesemee?  Bella almost died, Rob.  And since you're not an AUTHENTIC vampire... How are you going to save her?"

Rob:  *Gasps.. Taking Kristen into his arms... Gripping her tightly*  "NO!!! I'm sorry, baby!"

Kristen:  *Rolls eyes* 

Rob:  "I'm going to retract my email, Baby.  I'll just tell them to make the honeymoon and all  the love scenes authentic."

Kristen:  *Sighs*  "Okay, babe.  Go finish your email.  I'll go check the loquat pie in the oven."

Rob:  *SMILING FROM EAR TO EAR*

THE HAMMER AND THE WINDOWS

Kristen was woken up by the sound of a hammer hitting the wall repetitively.  She got up and saw Robert "in action!"

Kristen:  "Ah, baby, what are you doing?"

Robert:  "Getting rid of this cockblocing windows, sweetie."

Kristen:  *Groans*  "Really, Rob?  Plywood?  You're fucking covering the floor to ceilling windows with plywood?"

Robert:  "Well, the papz could be outside,  on a fucking crane or helicopter; aiming their fucking camera lenses at us.  I know that's the reason why you didn't want to make love with me this morning."  *Sad, puppy eyes*

Kristen:  "Shakes head*  "Babe, I was tired in the morning because you kept me up the whole fucking night!  We practically slept when the sun was about to shine.  Jeez!"

Robert:  *Turns to look at her... then smiles*  "IT WAS AWESOME!  I don't know which one's my favorite.  Round 1 was erotic.  Round 2 was intense.  Round 3 was...."

Kristen:  "Yeah!  Yeah! Yeah!  *Grabs hammer from Rob*  "So, you don't have to ruin the windows, okay?"

Robert:  *Starts kissing her* "You're not tired now, are you?"

Kristen:  "You could be right.  There COULD be some papz outside!"

Robert:  "Give me that fucking hammer so I can remedy this... Fucking papz ... Cockblocking morons.. Stupid...." *contiues to mumble*

Kristen:  *Takes a deep, meaningful breath*  "Babe, let go of that hammer."

Robert:  "NO! 

Kristen:  ***STOOD UP!.... PULLS THE BLINDS... UNTIES THE CURTAINS***

Robert:  "Ohhhhh..."

New Best Pals: Tom and Taylor

Taylor:  "Wow, Tom!  Nice to hear from you... Umm...  You've had it, ha?"

Tom:  "So you know."

Taylor:  "Are you kidding me!  It's a good thing they are so together now.  You should have seen them when they're still in the "getting to know you stage!"  It's more like, "getting to get in your pants stage" if I may be so bold!  Damn!  The sexual innuendos and all the crap that came with it drove me crazy.  Goo-goo eyes... flirting... touching... Ugh!"

Tom:  "You saw the photos, right?"

Taylor:  "I feel you man.  Those two don't know how to tone it down when they're in private."

Tom:  "It's sick!"

Taylor:  "Then the baby talks... Jeez!  'Oh, baby" this; 'Oh, baby' that!"

Tom:  "And then they bitch they got caught!"

Taylor:  "With you watching!"

Tom:  "Shut up!"

Taylor:  "Just bustin' your balls!  Sorry!  So how are they?"

Tom:  "Do you have to ask? I'm sure they're locked up somewhere.  You know Rob!"

Taylor:  "You know Kristen!"

Tom:  "Yup!"

Taylor:  "Two peas in a pod!"

Tom:  "We're actually talking about them!  Shit!"

Taylor:  "Yup, we are!"

Tom:  "Thanks for listening, Taylor."

Taylor:  "Oh no!  Don't thank me.  Shooting Breaking Dawn is coming up in a few months.  You'll be hearing from me... and you'd better be available when I'm sick of their love fest!"

Tom:  "I'd do that.  Later!"

Taylor and Tom:  *Thinking*  I got me a new friend! *Smile contently*

Rob's Diary Entry #001

ROB'S DIARY entry five years after blissful marriage with Kristen:

Dear Diary,

In spite of MY wife's many flaws, I've always thought that she was perfect. She's MY fucking angel. She's someone I could never live without. I even love even the littlest things that irks me about her.

What can I say?

When she bitches... She is MY bitch! And, boy, does she bitch!

When she's an angel... She is MY angel! And, you gotta believe it when I say that when she's in that mood, she would effing put Sister Teresa of Calcutta to shame!

Every freakin' aspect about Kristen Jaymes Pattinson IS MINE! SHE IS MY BITCH! SHE IS MY ANGEL. SHE IS MY HOME! MY FUCKING EVERYTHING!

To further explain... Months ago, she got upset coz I left her alone when she blatantly screamed, "Leave Me Alone!" How would I know I should never have left her alone when she said so? That mood cockblocked me to damnation! The couch was comfy, but not comfy enough. I know that if you could talk, you'd ask me, "How come you didn't sleep in one of the many bedrooms in your big house?" Well, apparently, it's my punishment for being "insensitive!" Yeah. Me. Fucking INSENSITIVE!

Even our sweet, caring four-year-old son came down in the middle of the night telling me to take his bed! I calmly told him that I was okay on the couch. But honestly, I didn't want the spat between me and the love of my life grow bigger because I couldn't FOLLOW A SIMPLE INSTRUCTION! (And I hope my friend Tom will never uncover any of these... dear God, please keep this secret safe from 'harm,' I beg you).

True enough, before the sun start to peep, I felt her hopped on top of me and started kissing my face and my neck, cying!

"Baby, I'm sorry!" She sobbed over and over. I could have made her suffer even just a little bit. But how could I not give in? I mean, come on! She's my woman! Wearing the skimpiest red negligee ever! And I could never get mad at her! NEVER! EVER!

To cut my story short... we concieved our third child that time... on the couch... in the living room... (You should see the big, fat smile on my face... I look like a fool, though.)

Anyway... That sweet morning "Robsten" sex-festival was the key that opened hell! Kristen's 3rd pregnancy was the worst! When I say "the worst" I mean THE WORST! Hormones turned MY angel into this multiple-personality psycho! Yup! MY psycho angel/bitch! The sex was great but damn! Even our four-year-old and three-year-old sons clung to me for their dear life when she was angry.. for nothing!!! I know.... I'm exaggerating... but I'm just making a point.

We both wanted a girl but when we learned on her 18th week of pregnancy that it was again a boy... (I'm shaking my head, by the way)... she freakin' had fit!

"A girl, Rob! A girl! I want a girl and you couldn't even shoot X chromosomes into my fucking oven?... Yadda...Yadda...Yadda...!"

I was in the dog pound for ONE LONG NIGHT! That time, she didn't come when MORNING CAME... NOT ME! THE MORNING DID!

Thank god my loving, sweet Kristen came back after she gave birth to our youngest son! She cried as she held our little, precious baby, her eyes on me... telling me how much she loves me! Modesty aside, KRISTEN AND I MAKE BEAUTIFUL BABIES TOGETHER!

Which leads to you, dear diary... Again, I'm on the couch... hoping the love of my life would come to me before the sun peeps tomorrow.

Yup! The fourth! Again... A boy!

I know MY wife loves me more than life itself but still...Wish me luck, dear diary... I need it badly!

Payback is a Bitch!

Rob: "Glad you called, Tom. How ya doin'?"

Tom: Umm... Rob? is Kristen there?"

Rob:*Furrows brows* "Of course. Why?"

Tom: "I want to talk to her."

Rob: *Grips his phone tightly* "WHY?"

Tom: *Serious Tone* "I MISS HER!"

Rob: *Stern voice* "WHAT THE FUCK, TOM?"

Tom: *Quiet*

Rob: *ANGRY TONE* "You asshole!"

Tom: *Guffawes* You deserve that for what you, two, put me through. Did you see the photos? Fuck, Rob! I looked like a perv enjoying the scene before me... You, sucking the life out of each other in fucking public! Private life, my ass!

Kristen: "Babe, who's that?"

Rob: *Grins* "It's just the perv who took front seat during our very public display of affection!"

Kristen: *Yells* "Hi, Peeping Tom!"

Tom: "Fuck you, two!"

Rob: "That we did, my friend. That we did!... Hello? Tom? You there?"

The Wise Cat!

Jella: "Last night, I heard mommy yelled, "Harder!" Then, I heard a squishing sound. I almost called 911, except I do not know how to call 911."

"I got so scared. I thought Daddy was hurting mommy! Thankfully, few minutes later, I heard mommy screamed! "Baby, you are the best!I love you." So Daddy must have done something to fix mommy's boo-boo." I calmed down."

"Soon after, I heard the water run in their bathroom. Again, I began to worry because Daddy started groaning and moaning, like he was in so much pain. I paced the floor, meowing like a lunatic cat! I love Mommy and Daddy and I don't want them hurt each other. I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard them giggle... playing "catch me" I think...coz I heard their footsteps... yup, running... running back to bed! Mommy and Daddy must have enjoyed the game because I heard the headboard hitting the wall loudly... I bet mommy and daddy had a great time jumping on the bed, up and down! I actually smiled."

"I can't remember how long they played... I fell asleep!

RobSten ParentHood

Rob, Jr.: "Daddy? Where did I come from?"

Rob: *Fidgets* "Um... Son, when a man and a woman fall in love... They, uh, express their feelings in a very intimate way."

Rob, Jr.: "Intimate?"

Rob: *Runs fingers through his hair nervously* "Ah, yeah! It means in a loving way."

Rob, Jr.: "Like when you kiss mom or when you bite her neck... or when you..."

Rob: "Yeah! Yeah!" *Shakes head and make a mental note to cut down "PDAs" to minimum in front of Jr.*

Rob, Jr.: "I don't get it! How did that answer my question?"

Rob: *Getting frustrated* "Well... When daddy and mommy fell in love... *inhales/exhales*... they kissed a lot... loved a lot... um... bit a lot...umm.. even rolled a lot..." *Starts to drift with a smile* "Ahhhh... those were the days... before diapers and---"

Kristen: "Rob! What the--?"

Rob, Jr. "Mommy! Daddy is telling me where I came from?"

Kristen: *Slaps Rob on the arm* "Really, Rob? Did you have to narrate to our son how he came about? Did you even ask him why he wants to know?"

Rob: *Frustrated* "Well, you tell him!"

Kristen: "Sweetie, why do you want to know?"

Rob, Jr.: "Well, it's my Kindergarten Social Science Homework!!! Teacher Ann wants us to trace our roots! My classmate, Kwei Ying, came from China. But I'm confused because Daddy is from England and you are from here. So, did I come from England or America?"

Ahhh.... The Thorn in the Heart That is Jealousy!

Rob: "YOU ARE NOT KISSING MY KRISTEN!"

Tom: "It's in the script!"

Rob: "Fine! Kiss her double!"

Tom: "Really, Rob?" *Shakes head* Does Kristen know you're being difficult!

Rob: *Throws a menacing look at Tom*

Tom: *LAUGHS!*

Rob: "Shut the fuck up!"

Tom: *Laughs harder* "Remember Me! BelAmi! Waters For Elephant!... It's payback time right? Damn! Kristen is good! You did say her lips are soft...DELICIOUS... SWEET" *smiles*

Rob: *Glares at Tom* "FUCK!!!"

Tom: *Wears serious face* "Just a kiss, Rob!... Just a kiss! I'm not that heartless!"

Rob: "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!"

Tom: "I'm just kidding! Jeez!"

Rob's Good Friend, Tom!

Tom: *Wonders* "So, Rob... I know you've turned caveman; possessive son-of-a-bitch on Kristen when you two hooked up... *Laughs*... And Kristen?... No shit! She watches you like a hawk with her ever-alert, big green eyes..."


Rob: *Big Smile* "She does, doesn't she? Oh, you should see her when she turns into this jealous-bitch! *Eyes twinkle* Man! She fucking makes sure I only belong to her... Fucking hot!"

Tom: *Rolls eyes then mumbles...* "Whipped!" *Clears throat* Well, I just want to know how you've gotten her to agree that you do Bel Ami. I know you consult each other on choosing roles but you're a man-whore in that movie."

Rob: "We do have a process..."

Tom: *Thinks to himself* Ah-Oh, I shouldn't have asked... Here we go! "Go on... Enlighten me."

Rob: "She makes sure all intimate scenes are done in 1 take or as little as possible!"

Tom: "How?"

Rob: "We act out the delicate scenes together! Practice, ya know...plenty of it... Kissing, making out...sex! Then we add our own twist and it's hella awesome! I mean, dude... BEST SEX EVER!"

Tom: "But wouldn't that make you more aroused when the actual scene in being shot coz you're reminded of her?"

Kristen: "ROBERT THOMAS PATTINSON!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Tom: "Fuck! I'm out of here!" *Laughs* "You're totally dead, CLAUDIA! Don't worry, I'll take care of your vintage guitars!"