Hi. My name is Ofie. You call me @Ate_Ofie on Twitter but most Nonstens and Haters probably call me Crazy Bitch! (Proud to be one, Bitches!!!).
My life has been how it should be. BUT THANK GOD FOR ROBERT PATTINSON & KRISTEN STEWART, now my life is FUCKING AMAZING! It was amazing before but now, it has this super spark and I love it! (My husband isn’t complaining, that I can tell you! *wink*).
Okay… So why am I here?
Well, People’s Choice Awards was both boring and exciting. Like many of you, my dear friends, I was bored to tears during the first part. Queen Latifah was surely exciting to some and I commend her for her efforts… Period!
If Robert Pattinson cared about the result, I would have encouraged the Robsten Nation, Twilight World, Robsten Obsessed and everyone who gave a damn about TRUE RESULTS to demand recount. But, as we all saw it, Rob was content, more than happy to just sit beside his only love, Kristen… Supporting her… Gazing at her… Caressing her with his smoldering, perfect green eyes! *Sigh*
Kristen Stewart… My God! The girl was absolutely gorgeous! Stunning! The belle of the ball, so to speak. She was radiant… She was fucking perfect. Yes, her eyes were screaming, “I’m in love, I’m happy, and Rob Pattinson is my man!” However, she tried (she and Rob, actually) to be careful not to display too much affection. Of course, we’ve heard what really happened during breaks and there were even photos of them leaning on each other and whispering, leaving Taylor Lautner on his own. Surely, though, Taylor didn’t mind. He’s used to it. He, himself, is in love with his girl, so he knows. (but they are not Against All Odds like our Robsten).
Some “renowned” body experts seemed to have “dissected” our RobSten’s every move! (Like they know what they’re saying to begin with… cue, plenty of eye rolling).
Which is the reason why I’m here… I sought the help of three REAL BODY LANGUAGE EXPERTS. They are experienced and not biased at all. You see, they don’t know who Robert and Kristen Stewart are. I’ll tell you why.
These three on-the-money experts have an office in Behverlie Hills, on the corner of Hollywoodlife and LookMag streets, right across The Gossip Cop Station. They all have Masters Degree in Life which they’ve earned naturally from the University of Fate.
So, let’s meet them!!!
First, let me introduce Tom-Tom, my neighbor’s, Netsie, two-and-a-half-year old son. Oh, don’t let his age fool you. He may be young but he’s truly a body language expert. His mother, Netsie, can attest to her son’s precious gift.
“One time, I was crying, and Tom-Tom asked, “Mommy sad?”” Netsie said during the interview. She added that Tom-Tom can easily predict how she’s feeling based on her facial expressions.
Next, we have Mr. Homie, an expert in life and body language who lives at a homeless shelter next to Nonsten Street, close to his office. Well, actually, Mr. Homie has a lot of offices. Sometimes, he sets up in front of the Church, or close to the restaurant… Sometimes, he hangs out by the mall… just watching and studying people… (Sorry, there’s something in my eye!). He is a superb body language interpreter. He’s been doing it for years! His specialty is the interpretation of body movements, the interaction, the gazes and touches… and all the good stuff!
Then we have, Ms. Humpallot, the expert in interpreting and understanding the hidden messages of our actions. She’s thorough and creative with her words. She’s been working as a… um… body language illustrator and she had met a lot of people, men mostly, who have confided in her about their predicaments and sorrows; and she had aided them with her “knowledge.” She makes them feel better. All the time!
I invited them in my humble home to watch Robsten’s & Taylor’s clips at the People’s Choice Awards in slow (very slow) motion. I didn’t tell them (Repeat: DID NOT) who Rob, Kristen, and Taylor are or the dynamics of their relationships so that they would be able to give a more accurate, unbiased, and objective analysis.
So, okay… I guess our Experts weren’t too happy for watching the clip in a very slow motion. Tom-tom was so bored to tears that he, um, decided to do his business in his diaper. Mr. Homie wasn’t able to hold himself from cussing a lot; and Ms. Humpallot decided to practice her new moves… to Mr. Homie’s delight.
Moving along… Here’s what they have to say:
Tom-Tom: “Dad-da (Rob)… Mom-ma (Kristen)… & Kuku (Taylor)” (Kuku means big brother, according to his Mom).
Ofie: “I think we should name our characters here.”
Mr. Homie: “Let us call them, Batman, Batgirl, and Robin!”
Ofie: “Fine with me.”
Mr. Homie: “Ofie, you said this is going to be a challenge! This is way too easy. Those two in black and gold, Batman & Batgirl, are the real deal. The boy in black, Robin, is their trusted friend.” **Shakes head.** “Look at the way they’re gazing at each other; especially while Robin was giving his speech! Batgirl's flirting with Batman with her eyes. She knows how to handle her man. And Batman is undressing her with his eyes. Batgirl is touching her lips, like she probably does after they kiss… and Batman knows what she’s doing."
Ms. Humpallot: “They just had sex!”
Ms. Humpallot: “Before they went to that event, they had sex.”
Tom-Tom: “Dad-da, Mom-ma happy!”
Ofie: “That’s right, Tom-Tom! But other body experts said that there's awkwardness between Batgirl and Batman; that Batgirl is not comfortable with her relationship with Batman.”
Mr. Homie: **Sighs** “…You know… there’s a big difference between awkwardness and shyness. Awkward is when you crack a joke and you laughed so hard but no one laughed with you. Shyness is when you’re so happy; you're radiating; you want to share to the world how you feel or what you have, but you’re so shy, you keep these feelings to yourself… but it still comes out through your smile, your aura, your eyes… I can assure you… there’s no awkwardness between Batman and Batgirl. On the contrary, I can see that Batman and Batgirl are very comfy with each other and around each other. They share the same feelings and sentiments.”
Ms. Humpallot: “Which is why behind closed doors, Batman and Batgirl are very devoted, very giving to one another. They suppress their feelings in public that when they’re in private, they’re at the point where being tender is non existent. They make love and ravish each other so passionately…. Raw… Totally in a very exciting way… almost barbaric… but they both love it! They can make each other cum just by staring each other, I swear! Awkward is when somebody shove it in your ass and you couldn’t cum coz it’s fucking ugly! Ugh!”
Ms. Humpallot: “Okay… Let’s go back when Batgirl won Favorite Actress. Before she stood up, she assured Batman that although Robin was going to take her to the stage, he is with her. Batgirl touched his thigh, his knee… her way of telling him that it’s alright; that she is his, no matter what… And while she was on stage, the first thing she did is run her hand on her forehead while looking at Batman… The way she did at the other clip you showed me, Ofie… at the MTV Awards thingee…when she won Best Actress or something… It’s a gesture, her way, of telling him, she loves him; that she shares her success with him; that she maybe standing there by herself, but she’s still thinking of him. Damn! Batman is a lucky guy! Batgirl is so into him…. And Batgirl is lucky, too, because Batman was the picture of a proud husband while Batgirl was rendering her speech!”
Ofie: “They’re not married...”
Ms. Humpallot: **Rolls eyes** “Pssh! Yeah right!" *Winks* "Are you sure?”
Tom-Tom: “Dad-da… Mom-ma!”
Mr. Homie: “Regardless… They’re connected! See how they tried to suppress their feelings and the things they want to do to & with each other? They can’t hide it at all! They’re way too transparent! Batman wants to eat her! Batgirl knows it! And see how Batgirl forgets she’s supposed to be suppressing her feelings? Well, she forgets every now and then, and look how she steals glances at him!”
Ms. Humpallot: “I’m telling you. Batman’s eyes are telling the world he just had sex with Batgirl! I can assure you that Batgirl did him good so that he’ll be calm at the PCA… especially when Robin walked Batgirl to the stage… or when Batgirl held onto Robin… Batman knows that those didn’t mean anything... Because when the camera stops rolling, Batgirl goes back to him, to their home, to the bed they share…”
Tom-Tom: “Dad-da luv-luv Mom-ma!”
Mr. Homie: “See how they make their shoulders, um, intentionally, um, accidentally touch? His eyes bore onto her. She sees it. She tried not to look, but her peripheral vision is focused on him. That smile on her face belongs to him. Batman and Batgirl have moves, I tell you."
Ms. Humpallot: “Batman's eyes, I’m telling you, are telling us he recently just had experienced orgasm! I'm not lying here! I know. I see it all the time! Based on my experiences, I can tell!”
Tom-Tom: “Dad-da, Mom-ma happy!”
Mr. Homie: “In China, I think, or somewhere in Asia, it’s believed that when a couple start resembling, mimicking each other, and know how to synchronize… it means that their fate… their destiny had been written. They have completed the test of time and they passed with flying colors. They’re meant to stay together until the end of time. They are soul mates. They are each other’s savior. See the smile on Batman's and Batgirl's face?… Very similar! The folds on the sides of their mouths… the squint in their eyes… their chin, or the way their head's tilted... their gesture… the air they exude… They are but one, dear Ofie. You don’t need me here to analyze. They’re open book!"
Ms. Humpallot: “That’s because their sex life is exciting and abundant! I bet they role play a lot. They probably do it behind the set wherever they're shooting... Standing, fully-clothed, except they've removed their undies... I mean, when they do it... They do it really good... No matter where or when...They look very content. Very sated! I can tell, she’s flexible. I wouldn’t be surprised either if he can twist her extending their sensation and pleasure.”
Mr. Homie: “See how pleasant and calm Batman’s face is! The look of pride is transparent on his face, watching his girl climb up the stage. Zero awkwardness. Just Zen calm! Robin is simply being helpful. And no!!! Robin and Batgirl don’t have hidden feelings for each other. They are friends. Batgirl allowed him to hold her hand, but it’s just that. Him holding her hand. There’s no spark. No current. No electricity. Batgirl shoulders are slightly raised, her body stiff… Not so relaxed… she’s making sure there’s nothing there… making sure there’s distance!”
Ms. Humpallot: “Eww… Batgirl and Robin having sex would be like Donny and Marrie having sex! Sick! There’s nothing there… Get over it… Whoever it is wishing these two have something more than friendship... Batman is calm. Coz, like I said, Batgirl gave him good lovin’ before the show. He’s assured that Batgirl is his… He’s the proprietor of Batgirl!”
Tom-Tom: “Ku-Ku help Mom-ma! Dad-da okay. Me, nap!”
***To be continued***
Okay, friends… I have to stop here for a moment… Tom-Tom needs his nap. Ms. Humpallot has to, um, report to work, and Mr. Homie has to go back to the Shelter to make sure he gets a bed for tonight.
We will meet again next week, same time, and I will tell you all about their wonderful findings… They want me to give them more challenging sets of people to analyze! I’m thinking Zac and Vanessa or Brad and Angie… but I have to stick with the people I love… Rob and Kristen!