(My Little-Spoof-Like Post)
Kristen Stewart’s “I Prefer You Under”
Left Robert Pattinson Confounded
Written by @Ate_Ofie, an ordained virgin chief!
For entertainment purposes only
(that’s right! This is a seasoned, delicious FICTION).
No copyright infringement intended.
As the Twilight franchise comes to its final chapter, Tikkle Meder, a renowned Publishing House in New York, publisher of books such as: “The Delicious Taste of In & Out (Of Her)” and “How To Sip & Suck a Live Straw” and the all time bestseller, “Twister” similar to Kama Sutra, is confirming a book deal with an unknown member of Twilight “entourage” who had spent immeasurable hours with the two famous stars of Twilight, Pattinson and Stewart.
The book deal, Tikkle Meder spokesperson shared, includes the unknown person’s accounts with Pattinson and Stewart; from the time of their audition up until the final day of filming Breaking Dawn. The book’s working title is, “The Bitch Stole My Man,” with subtitle: “And We Used To Be Friends”.
This news baffled Summit and the cast & crew of Breaking Dawn. We attempted to interview Stewart and Pattinson on location to get their comments about this matter but their trailer was (deadbolt) locked. The windows were fogged up and the trailer was shaking. In fear that the two stars were in trouble, the camera man sought help from the security officer. Mr. Dean assured us that Pattinson and Stewart are safe and well. It’s only that Steart loves to cook during breaks (hence, the fog/steam) while Pattinson works on his stunts (hence the shaking). Such devoted actors these Twilight stars are.
While interviewing other cast members, a Tikkel Meder insider emailed us excerpts from the “book.” So, fasten your seatbelts, people, and get ready to be blown away.
“Show me your Mallory moves, baby,” I heard Pattinson moaned. I pressed my ears closer against the wall so I could hear better. Lucky for me, there was a little gap between the paneling (not a hole, and no, I did not make that hole) and I was able to get a glimpse of the action the other side of the wall.
Pattinson flipped Stewart over and ravished her with his mouth and hands. He was making crazy sounds the whole time. He was really hungry for her. And every time Stewart touched him back, kissed him back the same intensity as his, their mating escalated to maximum.
“I want to be on top, baby,” Stewart whispered. Pattinson stopped, stared at Stewart like she just offered him her life and soul (maybe she did). “I want you under. I want you to see how perfectly we fit.” Stewart repeated. The sound that Pattinson made after that was so primal; it only encouraged Stewart to do more; which she did.
Watching them love each other that way was an eye opener to me. Stewart gave her whole self to him which probably why he’s devoted to her.
About three things I was absolutely positive: First, Pattinson was vampire-hungry for Stewart. Second, there was a part of him – and I don’t know how dominant that part might be – that thirsted for her “lips down there.” And third, they were unconditionally and irrevocably in love with each other.
I can no longer hold a grudge against Stewart. Love like theirs is almost extinct.
That was a poignant account by the unknown writer. The “incident’ was obviously private. The lovers were not aware that they were being watched and recorded. Maybe not by a videocam, but by the writer’s memory which led her to writing her book.
Stewart-Pattinson legal team assured us that the book will never be published. Legal action is underway.
(From: The Spoof.com 01/29/2011)
Robert Pattinson's "I Prefer You On Top"
Shatters Kristen Stewart
Written by Colonel Juan
Saturday, 29 January 2011
Shocking new rumours concerning worldwide publication rights of Robert Pattinson's sex life with Kristen Stewart have begun to trickle slowly down one of the cheaper plastic drainpipes here at CJ News.
Apparently, a laptop computer containing three quarters of Pattinson's latest autobiography (currently being ghosted) with a working title "My Life In Art Part 4" - has been stolen from the boot of a fabulously restored 1969 E Type Jaguar convertible.
Now, the anonymous thief is going around the internet, selling extracts from the book for thousands of dollars.
Unfortunately, amongst the extracts, is an account of a private conversation between Pattinson and his ghost writer, Miss Jean Hopcraft
"This conversation was private", moaned Miss Hopcraft last night. "It was only background material given to me in the strictest confidence by Robert and never intended for inclusion in the book", she wailed.
Predictably, copies of the offending story have somehow found their way onto the desk of CJ News Editor, 20 year old Juanita Juan.
"It's the stuff we girls don't like talking about", explained Miss Juan. "So let's have a bit of a natter about it".
"In a nutshell, Mr Pattinson seems to be advising Miss Stewart that he's sick and tired with 'being a missionary'.
"He goes on to suggest alternative arrangements. These 'arrangements' include strategic details of what he likes doing with his hands and tongue to Miss Stewart's (redacted)".
"Furthermore he goes into colourful detail about, how shall I put it, angles of delivery.
"Of course the language Robert uses is somewhat more descriptive than my own. Possibly a bit more basic".
"Nevertheless, I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about".
"He's sort of saying, you get up top lass - so my hands can wander wherever they want, leaving you to do your own thing".
"Maybe Kristen's still a beginner."
"However I can tell you privately that she didn't understand a word he was talking about"
"Just between us, Kristen was most hurt"
"But don't tell anyone"
PS: Juanita Juan is a born-again virgin.